Lara’s World


Embracing our Power: SCARE other people, so what?? (One for Gracie)
February 23, 2007, 11:47 am
Filed under: dreams, intuition, metaphysical, Spirit

My blog friend Grace recently responded to a dream described in a post of mine with the most dead-on and insightful dream analysis. Grace, in my response I mentioned plans for a series of posts to expound on how well your analysis hit the mark. But since then, there’s been less energy in the past and more energy for now, and the future. Your response was most definitely a healing instrument! However, I think I can convey why I was so blown away in one post, and, rather than past events, what deserves energy here is the time a new friend took to offer insight and share her talents with a new friend. Grace’s comments are in Italics (Oh, for some colors and font options!)

First of all, I felt that this dream dealt with your personal power. Trying on the clothes that someone else picked out (perhaps a ‘mother’ like female authoritarian figure) could be symbolic of ways in which you ‘try on’ the opinions of others regarding you, your life, what you should believe, etc. Could the clothes be symbolic of your outward appearance only, or could they also have deeper meaning as you are searching for the right exterior means to present your inner life? Are you putting on an act in any way, so as to conceal who you really are with a ‘façade’ of approval by others?
Also, the clothes could represent different aspects of your life – which feel appropriate, which don’t? Are others trying to tell you want to do with your time? Are you trying to fit in somewhere?

Well, just sum up my life and relationships with women why don’t you? 🙂 Love from early female figures in my life was conditional and/or non-existent. Ouch. Anything I did or said was eventually for the purpose of pleasing those who provided me with what I needed in life. So basically, I pleased others in order to survive. And I didn’t feel safe unless I had a smile of approval aimed at me (the alternative was pretty unpleasant and scary. and painful. and soulcrushing.) I buried my true self just so I wouldn’t cease to exist, and yet, based on that burying, for a long time and in large part, I really did cease to exist. This was a choice made by a child’s mind in response to threats in her environment. As a result, the maturing me really had no connection to her true heart to use as a compass for life. The one constant in my life was singing, and yet I no longer trusted what my heart told me to be true. I relied on outside cues. Oddly, when I received (constant) positive feedback for singing, I did not trust that it would provide me with what I needed. And of course, family, reflecting back our own fears to us, helps us along this road of doubt by suggesting politely that we have something to fall back on, etc.

Oh my GOD! (Laughing) What a long and winding road I walked down, trying to listen to something other than my own truth!!! LOLOL Let me illustrate:

I wanted to be a singer. But I auditioned for a really elite acting school. And since I got in, I guess I figured I should go. Cut from the program after a year (I guess it was apparent when I would sing almost every time we were asked to perform that I didn’t really want to be there), I was like a fish out of water. I got a job in a bank (soulcrushing, at least for my soul) where the dynamic was a dysfunctional group of women who loathed me unless I conformed. But my mom was pleased. Moved on to another branch and from there (after about a year and a half) I went back to school and studied economics. Ultimately. Because it took me about ten years. And I declared my major in the last year I think it was. In between I worked in finance, and decided that was the career for me. I went to work for a dot com and started reeling in the bucks, and got laid off about the time I was getting burnt out. Tried alternative healing for a year or so. Temp work, including the finance section of a car auction house, the dynamic of which was – well, I suppose you can guess. Jealousy, power trips, gossip, nasty, just like the first bank. Can you feel that there was no energy behind any of this? Decided to be a singer. Found a job that would pay me while I worked on that. A little municipal job that was painted as very easy, and turned out to be HELL. LOLOL And who was my boss? A chemically imbalanced, woman with no self-esteem who was known thoughout the town (employees) for flying into rages that no one could relate to any perceivable cause.

Isn’t life GRAND? The way we can depend on a lesson surfacing again and again and again until we get it? It relives a bit of the fear that we won’t get it right. And quite honestly, this kind of thing is part of why I know we have so much love and support around us. Nope. Try again.

This job was what I needed to cut loose. I mean, it was horrible. I worked 8-4:30 and then covered meetings 3-4 nights at least every other week. 45-50 hours a week for this little job that would “tide me over.” The pressure was awful, the support and training was none. I mean NO training. When I left, I did one of those “create a crisis so I have to leave” things. And really, I didn’t need to leave over what I created, but I jumped on it. And they replaced me with 2.5 people (one of whom is the Town Planner). I’m just trying to illustrate the extent of my self denial. While I was there, my neck and shoulder tension was painful and debilitating. When pain and finger numbness almost made me leave church in pain one day, I finally went to the doctor. Who had never met me but felt my tense areas and looked at me oddly. She said “your back feels like…cement.” She prescribed muscle relaxants and narcotics that very day. Yes, this is what we can do to ourselves. And is what we do when we outright refuse to listen to our bodies and spirits. And I will add that Vicodin had no effect. But the muscle relaxants helped with time. 🙂

As I was saying, I needed this job. My guides had said I’d learn alot from it. Ah, yes, I love my guides. I left that job in 11/04 and have since refused to do anything for work that did not feed my spirit, instead of draining it. What happened next?

Well, Grace, I guess it is a series of posts, cause I’m sure folks need a break by now. 🙂 Tune in for part two if you like, and see how Graces continues with more holes in one.

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3 Comments so far
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Woo Whooo…you GO, girl! Icannot WAIT for another installment! I’m sitting here with a huge grin on my face. The retelling of your self-discovery and self-empowerment is infusing me (as I’m sure it will others!) with the power to follow my OWN bliss!! In fact, just yesterday I made the first step in making a HUGE career change – will keep you posted!!

It IS amazing the lengths we will go through, before we become aware of it anyway, to get the approval of those that matter in ourlives. Once we have our OWN approval – to follow our hearts – it doesn’t seem to matter much anymore what others say, you know what I mean??? I’m still a little frightened (because the change I want to make is 180degrees different from what I’ve been doing to ‘survive’ all these years) but I just have to do it!

Hope you’ll give me/us/your readers some pointers on saying steady on your course!! 🙂

BIG HUGS!

Comment by Grace

Hey there! I’m glad its infusing you. As much as I am focusing on moving on into the now, as I wrote this it gained new energy and I knew others needed to read it. Maybe it was you! Yeah, it gets more and more interesting, at least from my point of view. 😉 Congrads on your true-to-heart career change! Yay!

Comment by songdeva

[…] Embracing our Power: SCARE other people, so what?? (One for Gracie) […]

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