Lara’s World


Back in Blogland

So let’s see…

I’ve done two more shows.

I have sung with life changing results and done drama with life changing results.

I put my dog down on Friday. Way to start a weekend. She was the canine love of my life.

I have finished an alpaca Clapotis. Me. This was the first thing I ever knitted that was bigger than….oh, I don’t know, a calorimetry.

I have cast on for a quant and have at least one third done in Kureyon.

There will be pictures of all this, but you’ll just have to wait.

I work in a fabulous little pizza joint that will no doubt inspire many stories. I can think of one right now. It’s really good. You’ll just have to wait.

If, after going for broke at a potluck today, I managed to have lost 1.6 pounds at my weigh-in tomorrow, I will have hit the 40 pounds lost mark. Yeah, big stuff, huh? I’m gearing up to wax poetic about it, so get ready.

I’m applying for grad school. Maybe I’ll post my essay here. Maybe not, though.

Other stuff…well, there’s been a lot of it. It might be more refreshing to just move forward, rather than catch up. What do you think?



She was gone, but not dead.
November 28, 2007, 6:25 pm
Filed under: acting, awakening, blogging, conscious co-creation, Crochet, Gifts, intuition, knitting

So hi, I’m back and feel like I might have some stuff to write about again.
Much going on, transitions, internal and external, projects to post…
I dunno. But I’m feeling the figurative pen dip into the equally figurative ink, and I thought
I’d dip back into Blogland to see what y’all been up to.

Good to see you again.



Intuition, Premonition, Dreaming, How Girls Disappear
February 16, 2007, 11:55 am
Filed under: acting, awakening, creativity, dreams, intuition, Life, metaphysical, metaphysics, singer, Spirit

Last night I dreamt that I was a young would-be model, who had been taken on by a (female) manager, and was being prepared for some sort of showcase (of talent, for prospective clients). I remember being so relieved that someone in the know was guiding my career, and feeling that things were really going to start moving ahead for me…I was on my way. We went shopping, and this manager was picking out clothes that I felt were weird and kind of dowdy in some cases. The clothes would not have flattered me, or shown me off in the best way possible for my form. For example, there was a multi-weird-colored open work granny square vest (pull over). I remember in the dream I was standing in the fitting room thinking, trying to be open minded, how could this work? Over a long skirt and silk blouse with tall boots? It still was not going to have me stand out in a good way in this showcase. I was hesitant to express my concerns to this woman…I didn’t want to offend her and seem to be full of myself. Before I could address this issue it was time to leave for a dinner that was part of this whole affair, and the last thing I remember is being in an unfamiliar car by myself, preparing to start it up and get on my way (to the dinner).

Any thoughts?

Recently, in real life, I ran into an old acquaintance at the Post Office. I noticed her from the corner of my eye, and realized I knew her. She’d come up to stand behind me at the counter, which is unusual because she hadn’t been called yet and there are three people manning the counter, so presumably she needed to see the one who was helping me. Anyway, this is probably why I noticed her. Twenty-four inches away from me and she didn’t notice me. Anyway, as I recognized her, I felt (energetically) my arms go around her in comfort. And so I gave her a big hug. There was sadness just emanating from her, I guess. I had a chance to chat with her outside and get a quick version of recent events in her life. I should offer some back story here. She was a single mom of three with at least two dads represented. In 2004 (the last time we’d really hung out) during one of the famous Red Sox post season games, I was at her house to watch with a mutual friend and friend’s boyfriend and son and daughter, and with the woman in question and her new fiance. She was happy, they were old friends and were newly engaged. He was clean-cut and healthy looking, an Irish (American) boy with lots of brothers. He told us the story of how he used to be addicted to coke and that night, from his behavior I could tell that this man’s troubles weren’t over. That’s not to say I felt he was still on coke, but I just knew that this was a man in crisis somehow. That if he wasn’t using right then, he’d be doing so before long. The way I felt it was that he had the personality and energy of an addict.

Fast forward to now, and the quick version she told me before we parted was that the now-husband had started drinking, that she’d kicked him out, that he’d come back and started drinking again. One of her kids was upset and went to talk to a guidance counselor which got DSS involved, and now husband is not allowed back, and in addition, the house they bought together is now going into foreclosure. Things have, as they say, hit the fan. I mean, yikes. Things had been tough for her before, on her own with kids, but never this bad, that I knew of.

It’s not a satisfying feeling to get a heads up on a situation like this and then see it play out somewhat the way you’d expected. I guess I’d been working with intuitive arts long enough in 2004 to know I didn’t need to butt in back then. Her life, her choices. And I know enough to know now its not my fault that things happened the way they did.

Growing up I think I had the rep of being kind of a know it all. I knew what people needed to know and do, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t listen, and instead ran ahead into troubles they could have avoided. It was frustrating to say the least, and I think my warnings were designed to save myself pain to an extent…I’m a serious empath, which means I can feel what EVERYONE around me is feeling, and therefore it was painful for me to feel their pain when things went wrong. Perfect solution to simply prevent bad stuff before it went wrong, since I also had a habit of taking on others’ pain, out of compassion and out of wanting to take it away from them. Everbody must be Happy. Now.

A year or two ago my mom said to me, in one of her occasional moments of spiritual lucidity, It must be frustrating to know things and have people ignore what you say. Very true!!! It’s like yelling into a void. Or into a crowd on a city sidewalk, and no one hears you. Sounds kind of like a bad dream.

However, it’s also frustrating if I know things and make the world my business, and try to manage everyone’s lives. I can not stop the world from hurting, and in fact, it’s not meant to be that way anyway. Surprise.

Somewhere I got the idea that if I could just fix everyone else, then I could finally relax and manage my own life. I think a lot of women get this idea. The problem is, when you finally look up and decide to live your own life, it’s hard to remember what it was supposed to be like in the first place. Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about “filling the well.” So important! To nurture yourself before you try to do for others. When you do it in this order, you have enough to give to others without running yourself dry. This issue came up time and again when I was doing readings for other women…it’s a cultural and gender-ical phenomenon. We put others first and lose ourselves. We are nice, and we try not to hurt feelings (much like in my dream, paragraph one).

So for the past few years I’ve been reworking this misguided notion that I needed to save and prevent any kind of pain for others. It wasn’t completely conscious, I mean, I didn’t get up in the morning and put on a mental Superwoman cape on my way out the door. It was just how I was in the world. Working by this precept, I morphed into Common Sense, Tell It Like It Is, Give Advice, Lara Will Know What to Do Girl. Argh.

My true nature is romantic, dreaming, singing, painting, playing, frolicking, idealist, laughing, gypsy, world-traveling, language learning, erotic, experiential, Pisces, hiding, flirting, backyard tea party, spontaneous, instant in love and right back out girl. I will need to be reeled in by a very grounded man, maybe a Taurus, who will no doubt need to proclaim his undying love and then wait while I run screaming and then peek at him from behind a big tree for a couple of years. I don’t want to be the rock. I have always been the rock and this is not my true nature. With the right rock, I can fly unfettered and land again safely, enabling me to fly even higher. And he has to not only not mind, but also to thrive on this.

So how did we get into romance? Well, it’s another place girls can disappear. Pisces-es are mutable and capable of being everything to everybody. We are secretive and instinctively the last thing we want to be is visible. Until it’s time to take center stage, at which some of us excel. But there is a protocol to when and where, and only we know it. So I’m beginning to live life now as a visible individual, completely out in the open, and its completely uncharted territory, but definitely refreshing. So, note to other Pisceans, you can do it and you’ll enjoy it, but do schedule regular hibernation, cause that will still be necessary.



My mojo…my mojo…my mojo’s on fire!

Re: the title of this post, what would the next line of this song be? Come on, some one of you must know. 🙂

And per this post right here, I got in! I’m very psyched. There are names I don’t recognize on the cast list, people that must have audtioned on the second night, which means there was more competition than just the first night.

Draw your own conclusions about my fabulousness.

The play is a murder mystery farce set in a mansion in the UK. It’s called But Why Bump Off Barnaby? Apparently Barnaby, who dies melodramatically in the first scene, is the only person present without a cent to his name. Yours truly will play a wealthy 80-year-old woman who can’t hear a thing and therefore has ridiculous conversations with everyone. I am SO excited about this. The universal or cosmic irony here is that my 90-year-old grandmother is exactly this person (give or take some wealth). Clearly I am to learn humor and patience.

Dry as my sense of humor is (and it can by positively arid), I found the script hilarious, and this is the part I was hoping to get, based on my limited experience of the script (said experience still totals maybe 8 minutes of quick scene-related perusal). Here’s hoping I don’t have any nude scenes.

The director took an extra two days to come up with a cast list. Ay, the waiting. And during this time I had perused other local auditons, and was particularly interested in, say, a musical or two. How cool would that be? I got excited about other potential opportunities, wondered if they’d conflict with this one….etc. And sometime during this 48 hours I realized that with all this extra perusal I hadn’t stated that I wanted this. I mean, I did want it when I left the audition, but then started looking at other opportunities online, etc. And therefore, I believe interrupted the flow of it all. So the last time I sat down to check my email, I committed. I thought to myself, well, what if there is a better opportunity that would be nixed if I took this?? (I’m such a pisces.) It has nothing to do with the play or the cast or the director or anything, it’s just a fear of commitment. Period. So I sat down that last time with that “what if” going through my head and said Wait. You know what? I want what’s for my highest good. Universe, I want this, or something better. And I clicked Check Mail, and there was a cast list waiting for me. Incidentally, did I mention that I got in?

This is an important lesson for me actually with regard to everything I want to create in my life. Especially with my music. Ultimately, I (pisces. In case you missed it) want to feel safe (wow that’s hard to write). You might be thinking, odd career choice then; have you thought about something in civil service? However I’m an ace marketer which comes in handy. Or would with a bit of focus. However, I do trip myself up by not being specific in just the way mentioned…wanting to try and do EVERYTHING! “What would I miss out on if I did this?? Gasp!” Ideally I would like to be working with a group of creative and talented musicians to make music and perform to loyal fans all over the world. To be completely fired up by the creative talent of the people working with me. To channel love through my voice that is received by and healing to all who listen.

I’ve always been appreciative of a great ensemble. Creative interplay adds so much to art. But I feel like I’m a solo artist, ultimately. At least that’s what I think I see. I’m open to the possibilities I haven’t thought of, and welcome being pleasantly surprised by the universe. Creation! Magnificent.



Voodoo fires up my mojo…an actor reborn
January 25, 2007, 9:51 am
Filed under: acting, creativity, Life, metaphysics, Spirit

I auditioned for a play last night. If you knew me, you’d roll your eyes and wonder why I wasn’t doing this on a regulary basis. For many years I’ve been focusing on singing, but acting is a big part of my training as a performer. I always wanted to sing but instruction was sparse around me, and yet it always seemed I could take an acting class anywhere I looked. So I did. And I’m funny and I have a good time.

This past summer I rediscovered the bug when I auditioned for a dinner theatre gig in Boston. At the time I thought, why not? I arrived a little early and sat in South Station reading the audition materials and I thought wow, I could get into this life….traipsing around the city, with time between audtions for funky cafes and cool shops and people watching. At the audition I felt something reawakened that had been sleeping for a long time. I did my thing, and of course they asked me to sing too, since they knew I could.

I performed a monologue I had written, since I couldn’t find anything I liked online. In fact I need to find it and record it somewhere more permanent than the blue lined pad it’s written on right now. ‘Cause I like it! And I get to use a southern accent with it. And it went over well.

When I left that audition I felt so connected to the universe and full of life. Was that, perhaps, a sign, you ask? Indeed, perhaps it was! It was like the Great Flow was connected through me, I was part of it all. I guess I’d been disconnected for some time.

By the way, I was cast. As an occasional player in the role of Mumbo Jumbles, a singing charlatan voodoo priestess who goes around the boat making up songs on the spot and singing them to people, and doing readings and performing fake rituals. (Everyone that knows me thought this was hilarious. I actually can do readings, and do make up songs constantly that I sing, largely to my dog. Who is very appreciative, thank you very much.) The best part is the show and dinner took place on a boat, during a three hour cruise of Boston Harbor. How cool is that? And I got paid to do it, so that makes me a professional actress. It’s official.

So when talking to a spiritual friend recently, she said that she felt like i should join a theatre group, and that that would lead to work in that realm. I thought to myself, I don’t want to join a theatre group. Yuck. Don’t know why I felt that way, really.

But shortly thereafter on a trip to Border’s with my mom, she came back from the ladies’ room saying “hey, there’s a flyer up in the hallway about auditions for a play coming up [in our town]. And I don’t know if its obvious to you, but I knew it was a nudge from the Higher Ups. So last night I went.

We spent a little over an hour doing really fun theatre-y exercises on stage. And I was surprised how much my body remembers. I cheated out naturally, every time. And when 5 of us were doing the same thing at once, I naturally moved downstage to be seen, not upstaging others, but claiming my own space. And we had great chances to be very physical. It comes back to me now, what is it, those 4 levels of height an actor uses? Someone? Anyway, I used them all quite naturally. It’s wonderful to audition and play when you have nothing to lose. In fact we never do and should audition this way always. It was a great night! It fired me up!

The director is a new theatre grad, fresh off the press and still wet. She said “If you’re interested in knowing your chances of getting cast, well, so far there are 9 auditioners and 10 roles.”

And it was an eclectic group of lovely people. I went in with the intention to be centered in love, and to see with loving eyes. And it worked; I could see the beauty of all these people, these gentle creative spirits. I’d read a message from a book that afternoon called Angel Blessings about spiritual family and how they are the ones that you really vibe with, unlike (so frequently) your blood family, or to coin a phrase, your Teaching Family. This was true here; I felt instant affection for most of them.

So, I find out Friday if I got cast (there are more auditions tonight). I’ll tell you how it turns out when I hear.