Lara’s World


Merry Christmas Simon FO

Blogland, you will love this. I swear to God.

Last summer, I grabbed myself a job doing the lunch shift at a little pizza place. I needed something part time, and I had just read a couple of Terry Saltz mysteries. He was a carpenter who also worked for a pizza place, and I loved the generosity of spirit of both Terry and all who worked there. They were a team, and contributed to the best of their abilities to get the job done. So I figured, why not? On Craigslist one day I found a job posting asking for someone to do the counter and phones, etc. at lunch 5 days a week. I emailed the poster and said I was interested, had some experience, and left my contact info. Simon called my cell and left a voicemail giving me the rough details and also left a phone number to call him. A phone number I could not understand, though I listened probably 6 times. Basically, I had the name “Simon,” the town, and the fact that they made pizza. Nothing else. What did I do? I googled “Simon,” the town, and the word “pizza.” And up came an article that had been written about the shop two years before.

Fast forward to when I’ve been there a couple of weeks. During a quiet moment I decide to mess with Simon a bit and tell him how I couldn’t understand his vm and only found the restaurant because I was psychic. (No connection to any of my earlier posts – I was just playing around). I figured I could at least make him wonder how I found the place. So I tell him I’m psychic, and what does my new boss say? “I know – I read your blog.”

Can you say “I Feel Naked?” He’d read my blog? Apparently, he’d googled me too when I came to work there. Sheesh. I did ultimately explain how I really found his shop. But sheesh. There’s no going back once your boss has read your blog. And it gets better; from time to time he’d mention to my coworkers that I had a really nice blog and that they should check it out. I think I managed to distract them from doing this, but who knows? Maybe they all tune in. I hadn’t updated it for sometime actually, and only started up again recently. So maybe Simon has stopped tuning in himself. I guess we won’t know until he leaves a comment. And he will, if he reads this. Believe you me. For example: one day I laughingly told him to give a customer extra ketchup because the customer was cute. Simon, without batting an eye, turned around and told the customer why he was getting extra ketchup. Yes, this is who I work for, people.

So anyway, fast forwarding again, a couple of weeks before Christmas, a guy with a cute handmade hat walked into the store one day and confessed that yes, his gf had knit the hat for him. Simon thought that was pretty nice, and when I asked him what he’d want if I made him something for Christmas, he picked a scarf. And a color. Do you know how hard it is to find purple yarn that a man could wear? Simon did inform me that he was secure enough in his masculinity to wear any purple yarn that I wanted to use (cough), but after perusing a bit, I found a gor-gee-yous Rowan tweed, Harris Tweed Aran, to be specific, in a color called “Thistle.” It’s a deep, rich violet flecked with purple and red, 100% virgin wool from the hills and dales of Scotland…ahem. I set to work a couple of weeks before Christmas, and gave him the finished product today:

I was a little verklemt to give it up, actually. I’d put in a lot of time and energy, in the best possible sense. You see, I consider Simon a heart friend. He’s generous in a big way, and always seems to try to be the best person he can be. I’m sure he wouldn’t put it that way, but there it is. He’s a thinking man, and likes to debate. (In fact, debating is a HUGE pastime for most who work at this shop.) I’m grateful for him in my life and as my boss, so I put a lot of love into this scarf. Have you ever made a healing shawl?? Well that’s exactly what I did. I created it with the intention and request of the universe that it be a healing scarf, and that it remind Simon that he is loved whenever he wears it. I knit it with the intention that he and his wife and kids experience great peace, happiness, and joy. I find that healing shawls have a lot of power, and you know it when you’ve just placed one around your shoulders. This is what I wanted for the Sime-ster.

Now Simon is also like a big brother to me…which means many good things, and also means that sometimes we drive each other apesh*t. The holiday season was a bit stressful, and as I knit I reminded myself of all the wonderful things he’s done for me, and chose that to focus on, instead of being irritated. Hehheh. It does help,though. Seriously, read up on the Law of Attraction. At the end of the day, anything I could complain about with regard to him, he could make an identical complaint about me. Which is why I didn’t complain when he asked for 1/2 inch fringe on the ends of his scarf. If you promise not to tell him, I will confess to you that the fringe is actually about 1 inch long:

For you knitters, the scarf is about 56 inches long, and about 6 inches wide…unless you stretch it out until it measures about 10 inches wide. Why is one able to do this, you ask? Because it was knit in an aran design called a speckled rib from the Encyclopedia of Knit and Crochet Stitches. If you like what you see, grab an aran weight yarn and cast on 27 stitches with size 8 straights. Knit the speckled rib until the scarf is as long as you want it to be. I have to tell you, knitting with Harris Tweed (I think it’s now produced as Rowan Scottish Tweed) was a super treat. It’s not the kind of yarn I go for for myself…I tend to be the bargain girl, but have broken that habit I hope. It makes sense to buy the best you can afford of what you like the most…a piece will have a whole different energy about it. That’s why I chose this yarn for Simon’s scarf. In addition to the piece, your experience of creating it will have a whole different energy too…higher, more loving, more special, more magical.

Aside from verklemtness, it was also nice to hand it over today. Since Christmas I’ve been having pangs of guilt that it wasn’t done yet. Sheesh. Now, I’d recently made some real progress, so it was well underway. This past weekend I brought my new nephew and his parents up to the shop to introduce them all and buy dinner. I quietly told Simon I was not there for a discount (after he jokingly offered me one if I prepped some of the food), but that I simply wanted to introduce my blood family to my Bravo family, and to get the former some great food for supper. When we went to leave, Simon wouldn’t let me pay him. As in, ignored me (i.e., pretended I wasn’t speaking) when I tried to argue. We went home and feasted, believe you me. My brother had chosen the shop’s famous grilled chicken dinner, and once he managed to steal a few of my (also famous) steak tips, vowed to go back up there whenever he came to visit. Please. My whole family had already had nominated Simon for sainthood for generosity alone. And Simon and my brother got to talk politics and trade jokes about what a pain in the ass I am; I think they may get engaged, to be honest. Regardless, after all this, I said to my mother, “I think I better hurry up and finish this man’s scarf.” And actually, it wasn’t out of guilt at all. I felt a sincere gratitude in my heart, and channeled that energy to finish a purple tweed scarf for a kind friend.

So I finished it, and danged if it didn’t feel pretty good around my neck. But I tied a bow around it and gave it to its intended. Who seemed to like it pretty much.

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Guidesposts for your Spiritual Path (Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening, Part II)

In the post Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening: A List, I talked about the aforementioned symptoms and, well, provided a list. Paul Left the following comment, to which I decided to dedicate a new (in fact, this) post:

Very interesting.. over the last few months, some of the above symptoms have been manifesting themselves in/on/around myself. Going back years, i have had odd strange things happen around me.. including a Medium coming up to me and telling me that i had a “gift”…- and that i could be a “Great Healer” – (Her words). I more or less ignored it all over the years until recently when being told by a couple of independent people that they could see a “Spirit” boy with me.
I have, over the last 6 months or so, been attempting to find out more about the whole subject, and perhaps what i am supposed to do about it… – if anything…
During this time, i have been experiencing an ever increasing degree of “flickering”/”vibrating” sensations on/around my crown. I suppose what i’m getting at is.. Do you think that i am in the process of Spiritual Awakening that you discuss above.? And if i am, what should i expect to happen to me… i don’t appear to be seeing Ghosts or anything… is this likely to start happening some time soon… ? Not that it would worry me if i did actually..
Paul.
Comment by Paul. 02.23.07

Paul, I’m not sure I can say what you should expect to happen. When I put your energy experiences (i.e.) crown tingling together with the seeking you’ve been doing for the past 1/2 year, I’d say yes, there is some spiritual awakening going on. I bet for more than 6 months. Heck, I’d say it was true even minus the tingling.

Do you want to see spirits? As you become more sensitive, yes, it’s possible that you will perceive them in various ways. You can let your guides know that you are or are not comfortable with this. Does the idea of being a great healer strike you as a fabulous and fascinating road to explore? Then perhaps healing begs some investigation on your part. Study of intuitive development will aid you in both these respects, as it will go a long way to explaining your experiences.

As for your spirit boy, I don’t know who he is or what his story is, but have you sat down and attempted to perceive him yourself? Find out his story? This is a point that I think that bears some space of its own, perhaps in another post. The realm of spirit is fascinating to me.

I thought your questions on your spiritual path were worth investigating in detail because a lot of people have questions like this, and perhaps with this conversation we could assist someone who feels called to experience spiritual growth and has no idea where to start. I guess it would be helpful for me to think about what I would have liked someone to tell me at the start of my own path. So I’ll explore that now, fellow traveler.

Trust
Let’s start right there for the person who has no idea what to do first. You have in fact already done the first thing! That call you feel to grow, to change, to “something more” is the first thing. If you never did another thing, the universe would still bring you what you need to follow your path; including a path. Seriously. Insert sigh of relief.

Meditate.
I feel like the best first bit of advice I could give you or the aforementioned beginner is to take 15 minutes every morning to sit quietly and focus on your breathing, with the intention of getting to know your own heart. When thoughts pop in, notice them and let them go as your return your focus to your breath. This practice is valuable for many reasons, and will help you differentiate between yourself and other phenomena that happen around you. It will aid your spiritual growth. From there you can select from the smorgasbord of different ways to meditate and explore which ones work, are fun, are meaningful, what aids you to be peaceful in yourself, connect with the divine, heal your body mind and spirit, or whatever your intention might be.

*I will confess that I did this a bit out of order (as in, last). I meditated, but my intention was to grow spiritually and become more aware of guides, angels, etc. because I thought these concepts were very cool. I studied all kinds of healing modalities and experienced great healing, and facilitated healing for others. To be honest, this was probably the way I, being me, would have had to do it. I followed my heart when deciding how to proceed, and I think heart following is probably the best bit of advice you could remember from anything that you learn anywhere. Now is the time when I’m focusing on knowing my heart/soul a bit more deeply, and honoring them as the first source of guidance in my life. I did do it my way, and it did work for me. And so, naturally:

Follow your heart
Regarding your question, what you are supposed to do about it…Follow your heart. Have I driven this home yet? I have to say here that what seems perhaps like a platitude will reveal the depths of its truth to you with time. The most basic spiritual truths are never as facile as they might seem. Your heart knows what is right and wrong for you. If you are honest with yourself your heart will be a natural, built-in compass. What should you do about it? Well, what seems true to you out of all that you encounter and read? What is fascinating to you, excites you?…what do you want to read and learn more about? Allow these urges and inclinations to guide you; they are signals from your soul.

Talk to others who are exploring. What are they seeking? What excites them? Are they full of horsepuckey? Do they have truth to share with you? Do you have truth to share with them? Other seekers can provide a sounding board for you to get your ideas and intuitive knowledge together, crystallized, so that you can see it better and again, know yourself. So will a journal. Or a blog. Other seekers will also share a similar energy with you, that is supportive, and perhaps something you can’t share with your old friends.

Keep an open mind, allow your heart to be the judge.
When you hear or read or otherwise learn something new, and your heart instantly jumps for joy with this new concept or knowledge, go with your heart. If your mind instantly says its crazy, agree to suspend disbelief, wait a while. Wait until your heart chimes in with its opinion, to confirm that this something is indeed nuts (to you), or until your heart suggests that, “well, maybe there is some truth here; let’s keep listening until it jumps out at us”. This is a rule I made for myself, so as not to cut off discovery before it starts. When you think you know everything, there is nothing else to learn. I want to be open to and learn as much as possible. So I give myself plenty of time to mull. It has gotten to where I don’t need as long, in fact, I can usually feel and honor my heart reaction pretty quickly now, as opposed to the mind impeding things. If you are already there, bless you.

Keep the best, discard the rest.
And this applies to what you’re reading right now. (I mean my post, hun.) If you find a book that offers concepts that blow your mind and ring your truth bell, but some of it makes you shrink away, accept the love it has to offer. The rest is either: something you’re not ready for, or simply not something that is true for you (i.e. a new addition to your hogwash list). Sometimes hogwash has a kernel of truth that you need. Don’t throw the diamond out with the dishwater, so to speak. This will help you to feel safe in exploring whatever you wanna’ explore. To not edit yourself before you begin. You don’t have to take on a whole doctrine when you only resonate with points 1 and 2b.

Know that what’s true for you can and will change.
Ha HA! This might be one of the best parts. If you’re truly on your path and connected, the universe will continually surprise you. Embrace the continual newness.

Don’t panic.
Thank you, Douglas Adams. I don’t think panic is ever the solution, but if you must try it, then you must I suppose. This goes back to letting the heart lead. It will always offer you the experience you need. For me what’s true is that doubt and fear are not my friends. Ever. If I follow what my heart thought was a good idea in that first instant of consideration, I’m golden. No second guessing for me.

Other things that have been important for me personally:

Holding the highest and most loving intention.
In everything I do. Or think. Do I always nail it? Nope. But pretty often. And I’m open to reviewing the areas where I miss. The easiest guage here for choosing the highest option for me is, what choice or thought or action brings me the most peace?

Tolerance for the spiritual beliefs of others
I think the variety of spiritual pathways in the world is a thing of great beauty and one of our dearest spiritual resources. Through faithfulness to our own path and through honoring the paths of others, I believe we can start to see the beauty and grace, indeed the divine in each other, which is the place where we discover we are all the same.

Express yourself.
You are who you are for a reason. The world needs what you have to say and give. Never doubt it. Your voice can make a difference in ways you never expected.

That’s what I’ve got for now. I sincerely hope there is something here to help you (whoever might be reading). I reserve the right to add and change as I discover more truth.



Basking and Communing…Here Comes the Sun

Recently I described how I’ve been sunbathing in my room upon waking, and after a few minutes of soaking in the sun and communing with the divine, I recite aloud the following affirmative prayer that I discovered in a tag surf here at WordPress. It’s a great accompaniment to working with the Law of Attraction because it gets to the root of whatever we might be trying to create…and this is the most direct path to co-creation; getting clear on what you want. For example, if you are focused on creating a lot of money, perhaps the root of what you want is really safety and freedom and fun. Therefore, safety and freedom and fun are what will really help you feel at peace, however they manifest in your life. You can read about the prayer here. For me, this prayer represents manifesting some of my highest ideals for living in this life as a loving and powerful being. Manifesting…really, the more I do this work, the more I feel that we are not so much creating as allowing a preferred reality that already exists to manifest as our primary reality.

Imagine that you are simply choosing to shift your consciousness to a different reality, where infinite realities exist side by side. I can feel them when I focus on it, and sometimes it feels like a a little jump will get me to what I’m focusing on. I think this is what are doing when we are engaging the Law of Attraction. When you focus on what you know you can do and be (for instance, a long time dream for your life), maybe you are simply shifting focus to a new plane of existence, and perhaps this is why some us of know so strongly what we are “destined” for. I’ve come to believe that destiny is a function of a choice + a potential. Choose your highest potential today.

The Silent Prayer

In my heart, I accept my perfect Being.
I accept that the joy that I have intended is already in my life.
I accept that love I have prayed for is already within me.
I accept that the peace I have asked for is already my reality.
I accept that the abundance I have sought already fills my life.

In my truth, I accept my perfect Being.
I take responsibility for my own creations,
And all things that are within my life.
I acknowledge the power of Spirit that is within me,
And know that all things are as they should be.

In my wisdom, I accept my perfect Being.
My lessons have been carefully chosen by my Self,
And now I walk through them in full experience.
My path takes me on a sacred journey with divine purpose.
My experiences become part of All That Is.

In my knowingness, I accept my perfect Being.
In this moment, I sit in my golden chair
And know that I Am an angel of light.
I look upon the golden tray – the gift of Spirit –
And know that all of my desires already have been fufilled.

In love for my Self, I accept my perfect Being.
I cast no judgment or burdens upon my Self.
I accept that everything in my past was given in love.
I accept that everything in this moment comes from love.
I accept that everything in my future will result in greater love.

In my Being, I accept my perfection.
And so it is.

Namaste.



Intuition, Premonition, Dreaming, How Girls Disappear
February 16, 2007, 11:55 am
Filed under: acting, awakening, creativity, dreams, intuition, Life, metaphysical, metaphysics, singer, Spirit

Last night I dreamt that I was a young would-be model, who had been taken on by a (female) manager, and was being prepared for some sort of showcase (of talent, for prospective clients). I remember being so relieved that someone in the know was guiding my career, and feeling that things were really going to start moving ahead for me…I was on my way. We went shopping, and this manager was picking out clothes that I felt were weird and kind of dowdy in some cases. The clothes would not have flattered me, or shown me off in the best way possible for my form. For example, there was a multi-weird-colored open work granny square vest (pull over). I remember in the dream I was standing in the fitting room thinking, trying to be open minded, how could this work? Over a long skirt and silk blouse with tall boots? It still was not going to have me stand out in a good way in this showcase. I was hesitant to express my concerns to this woman…I didn’t want to offend her and seem to be full of myself. Before I could address this issue it was time to leave for a dinner that was part of this whole affair, and the last thing I remember is being in an unfamiliar car by myself, preparing to start it up and get on my way (to the dinner).

Any thoughts?

Recently, in real life, I ran into an old acquaintance at the Post Office. I noticed her from the corner of my eye, and realized I knew her. She’d come up to stand behind me at the counter, which is unusual because she hadn’t been called yet and there are three people manning the counter, so presumably she needed to see the one who was helping me. Anyway, this is probably why I noticed her. Twenty-four inches away from me and she didn’t notice me. Anyway, as I recognized her, I felt (energetically) my arms go around her in comfort. And so I gave her a big hug. There was sadness just emanating from her, I guess. I had a chance to chat with her outside and get a quick version of recent events in her life. I should offer some back story here. She was a single mom of three with at least two dads represented. In 2004 (the last time we’d really hung out) during one of the famous Red Sox post season games, I was at her house to watch with a mutual friend and friend’s boyfriend and son and daughter, and with the woman in question and her new fiance. She was happy, they were old friends and were newly engaged. He was clean-cut and healthy looking, an Irish (American) boy with lots of brothers. He told us the story of how he used to be addicted to coke and that night, from his behavior I could tell that this man’s troubles weren’t over. That’s not to say I felt he was still on coke, but I just knew that this was a man in crisis somehow. That if he wasn’t using right then, he’d be doing so before long. The way I felt it was that he had the personality and energy of an addict.

Fast forward to now, and the quick version she told me before we parted was that the now-husband had started drinking, that she’d kicked him out, that he’d come back and started drinking again. One of her kids was upset and went to talk to a guidance counselor which got DSS involved, and now husband is not allowed back, and in addition, the house they bought together is now going into foreclosure. Things have, as they say, hit the fan. I mean, yikes. Things had been tough for her before, on her own with kids, but never this bad, that I knew of.

It’s not a satisfying feeling to get a heads up on a situation like this and then see it play out somewhat the way you’d expected. I guess I’d been working with intuitive arts long enough in 2004 to know I didn’t need to butt in back then. Her life, her choices. And I know enough to know now its not my fault that things happened the way they did.

Growing up I think I had the rep of being kind of a know it all. I knew what people needed to know and do, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t listen, and instead ran ahead into troubles they could have avoided. It was frustrating to say the least, and I think my warnings were designed to save myself pain to an extent…I’m a serious empath, which means I can feel what EVERYONE around me is feeling, and therefore it was painful for me to feel their pain when things went wrong. Perfect solution to simply prevent bad stuff before it went wrong, since I also had a habit of taking on others’ pain, out of compassion and out of wanting to take it away from them. Everbody must be Happy. Now.

A year or two ago my mom said to me, in one of her occasional moments of spiritual lucidity, It must be frustrating to know things and have people ignore what you say. Very true!!! It’s like yelling into a void. Or into a crowd on a city sidewalk, and no one hears you. Sounds kind of like a bad dream.

However, it’s also frustrating if I know things and make the world my business, and try to manage everyone’s lives. I can not stop the world from hurting, and in fact, it’s not meant to be that way anyway. Surprise.

Somewhere I got the idea that if I could just fix everyone else, then I could finally relax and manage my own life. I think a lot of women get this idea. The problem is, when you finally look up and decide to live your own life, it’s hard to remember what it was supposed to be like in the first place. Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about “filling the well.” So important! To nurture yourself before you try to do for others. When you do it in this order, you have enough to give to others without running yourself dry. This issue came up time and again when I was doing readings for other women…it’s a cultural and gender-ical phenomenon. We put others first and lose ourselves. We are nice, and we try not to hurt feelings (much like in my dream, paragraph one).

So for the past few years I’ve been reworking this misguided notion that I needed to save and prevent any kind of pain for others. It wasn’t completely conscious, I mean, I didn’t get up in the morning and put on a mental Superwoman cape on my way out the door. It was just how I was in the world. Working by this precept, I morphed into Common Sense, Tell It Like It Is, Give Advice, Lara Will Know What to Do Girl. Argh.

My true nature is romantic, dreaming, singing, painting, playing, frolicking, idealist, laughing, gypsy, world-traveling, language learning, erotic, experiential, Pisces, hiding, flirting, backyard tea party, spontaneous, instant in love and right back out girl. I will need to be reeled in by a very grounded man, maybe a Taurus, who will no doubt need to proclaim his undying love and then wait while I run screaming and then peek at him from behind a big tree for a couple of years. I don’t want to be the rock. I have always been the rock and this is not my true nature. With the right rock, I can fly unfettered and land again safely, enabling me to fly even higher. And he has to not only not mind, but also to thrive on this.

So how did we get into romance? Well, it’s another place girls can disappear. Pisces-es are mutable and capable of being everything to everybody. We are secretive and instinctively the last thing we want to be is visible. Until it’s time to take center stage, at which some of us excel. But there is a protocol to when and where, and only we know it. So I’m beginning to live life now as a visible individual, completely out in the open, and its completely uncharted territory, but definitely refreshing. So, note to other Pisceans, you can do it and you’ll enjoy it, but do schedule regular hibernation, cause that will still be necessary.



Fortune and Cookies a Morning Sunbath

I always tell people that faith is not just hearts and flowers. Faith is an energy required to support your creative goals. Despair will hinder efforts at creation, though luckily faith outweighs despair in the final tally (cause to be honest, we all have moments of each, and one positive thought cancels out a bunch of negative ones).

Yesterday was one of the hard days for me. I was struck by fear and sadness and usually when this happens I run screaming from the urge to meditate and find peace. Overall, its a sense of constant restlessness; why aren’t things happening??? Am I just supposed to sit still? Stillness is challenging for me! I like to motor.

My current situation is such that I know I’m in a period of stillness right now, in my life. Just prior to moving forward in a big way. That presents a couple of issues. 1. I can’t WAIT!!!! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW! And 2. No one else knows this, only I do. Am I an idiot? Are they thinking I’m an idiot? Have I got any cred left?

Well, at the same time I feel these things, A. I know that it’s a time for waiting and for practicing peace, finding peace when I feel unpeaceful. Getting this practice down pat. And B. It’s a time for getting very clear on what I want and on my intention. This is hard when I just want to DO DO DO, but I get it, and grudgingly know its necessary.

When I say just prior to moving forward, I mean JUST prior: I kept getting a sense that this spring amazing opportunities are opening up for me, jumping for joy opportunities, a chance to motor. I keep getting messages about this too, as in from a medium at my (Spiritualist) church, from my own sense, from readings I do at home (quick angel card draws)…. A couple of weeks ago I spoke about this to a friend who was over to go to lunch one day. I’m teaching her how to tune in and to be honest she’s quite gifted. She felt like mid-April was going to bring big stuff.

I felt better hearing that cause it matched my own feelings, and so we headed off to the best Chinese Buffet in town ($6 includes unlimited beverages. What?!? And the food is the best around. Seriously.) So we had great food and a good time, and on the way out, knowing we can receive messages any time, anywhere, reaching into the fortune cookie bin I said (in my head, please) “Angels, give me a message about spring and moving forward.” What was the message you might ask? To be honest I don’t remember. I think I read it, but at the time I was still blown away by the fact that – well, you know how on a fortune cookie, one side has a message and one side has a word to learn in Chinese? Well, my word was “April.”

So fast forward to yesterday. We had had Chinese the night before (same place, takeout). I was walking with my dog and tuned in to the feeling in my heart, and discovered it was loneliness. I am a singer and supplement this by temping and what not. I haven’t worked outside the house since early December, and everybody else is busy, and I have relationships that are changing and perhaps falling away now, at least in the way I experience them (yeah, I guess I should have said stillness and BIG transformation). I said Guides, I’m lonely. Find me the heart friends I’m supposed to have now. The people I’m supposed to be with now. I got home and gave the dog her cookie and heated up some leftover chinese food and as I ate noticed the fortune cookies from last night on the table, untouched. I grabbed one and opened it, and should mention that it was empty and I spent some time feeling around in my mouth in case I’d eaten the fortune with the first half of the cookie, before discovering the fortune on the floor between my feet. Crunching away I leaned down and picked it up. It said “You will soon be part of many gatherings and parties.” I did have to smile, and say thank you to the kind help and love that surrounds me.

So yesterday was tough, and the moon was just full as you know, and this means for me “release”. And what release means frequently is the surfacing of old emotions to be released. Unfortunately this is like just experiencing them all over again, and they may relate to nothing now. Alternatively or perhaps in addition, if you are practicing a new way of thinking and are overwriting old thoughts with new ones that better serve you, a full moon (and the few days before and after) are a time when the old thoughts and beliefs rise up to be released. So I believe fully in the principles of abundance and the law of Attraction and am integrating this reality into my life. Integration! SUCH such fun! What are the thoughts in this case that might be rising to go? One guess (if you can’t guess, keep reading).

This morning I woke up with a heavyness around me, physical, mental, and I couldn’t even perceive the spiritual, which was interesting, but I digress. I sat up and opened my window and aimed the sun right at my third eye. Right at my head to flush out old thoughts that might be hanging around in the ether. I filled my hands with sunlight and placed them on my heart, solar plexus, my knees, feet, ankles, hips. I used hematite wands and focused on grounding as I took in the sunlight and the solar light (do you know the difference?). And gotdang it if I didn’t start to feel better. I went downstairs and let the pup out and grabbed my water, which I took out on the deck (yes, subzero, or at least it feels like) to fill with more sunlight. I gave thanks to the water and the sun. I breathed nature in deeply. And when I headed back in I said “Ok Angels. Fine. I’m scared. (I did NOT want to write that, but couldn’t seem to proceed until I did.) I don’t have any money. I have bills to pay. You keep telling me I’ll have everything I need, that there is money coming into my life. Where is it? Where is the money? Cause I don’t have it. I don’t have it and I have bills. I don’t know how or why its coming but you say it’s coming so where is it?” Etc. Well, the fortune cookies caught my eye again. But not like “select a fortune cookie for a message”, it was more like, oh, fortune cookies. There they are, so maybe I’ll eat one. I grabbed one and opened it and popped a half into my mouth. I unfurled the fortune and read: “You have an important new business development shaping up.”

Yes I did have to laugh.

For me, in order to release those fears, I have to express them. It doesn’t work to just dump new thoughts on the old and forget them. I had to bring in the new, express the old, and now I can continue in faith. It’s ok for you to feel fear, even when you are choosing something else for your life (faith, abundance, etc.) You can express it and still achieve your goals. It’s a process, and suppression doesn’t aid this process, at least for me. I’m an expressive being. I’m all about expression and learning to express after a lifetime of suppression. I’m an artist for God’s sake. As I move forward honoring the light and the dark, life starts to look more like a dance. I have an image in my mind’s eye of myself dancing along my path, using all of the shapes my body can make, using space up high and low and my ribs and hips and making each movement exactly as I feel it, not trying to make it pretty or something that it’s not. Honoring my intention and fear and love and grace and stumbles and hesitation and knowingness and pausing for direction and running full speed ahead in joy. Honoring my innate wisdom, which is evidenced in all of this. I Am That I Am. I Am All That I Am. I am a creative being, and there is no “wrong.” There is only is. And that’s all for now.



Purpose

I started this blog so I could show off the stuff I was going to make. And potentially the music. I find as I go along that I want to talk about miracles and purpose and spirit and experience and life. And still music. I knew at the outset to call it “Lara’s World,” rather than some cute play on handwork terms (and there are some funny ones out there), so some part of me knew to make it bigger than that. As I open to purpose and transformation and truth in my life, I find the energy flows more readily. Even if I appear (to myself) be standing still, I can still catch the flow that’s coming out of the corner of my eye. It is there and it exists. And now, what’s different in my life than in years before, is, I’m ready for it. I’ll confess that I’m crying now, as I write this. I don’t really know exactly why, it’s not sadness. Not in the least. It’s not tears of joy. It’s…release. (Drying up now, so please don’t run).

Release because my spirit knows that I’m removing some of the burdens I’ve placed on my shoulders for so long. My spirit knows I’m back in the game. On my terms. And it’s been a long time coming.

I remember over a decade ago, rolling over in bed and thinking, There Must Be Something More Than This. And my first inclination, I believe, was to buy a tarot deck. I’ve been on a path since then (even though I put that deck away for a while). I remember the next thing that happened was that I went into a store one evening after work….I’d been driving by it on Route 9 in Natick, MA for months, wondering what a place called Maya’s Dream could be like. I always seemed to miss the cross road it was on, or to decide “not today”. One day I stopped in time to turn off. It was a new age shop. The store was closing. I didn’t want to leave. A class was starting. I headed out to my car to get my wallet to pay for the class, and tripped on the doorsill on the way out, losing a shoe. Hmmm. Got the wallet, headed back in, paid. Needed to go back to my car to get something else, and on the way out, tripped again, and as I did, my keys flew out of my hand, arched into the air and landed deep in a big bush at the side of the steps. Don’t leave. The class was Transformational Breath. That night set me on the quest for more classes and books and discussion and meeting likeminded people. Who also believed in something else. Something More Than This.

And now is finally my time, of doing rather than healing. And I think tears snuck up on me not so much because it’e true, but because I recognize it. I think getting what you ask for requires a hell of a lot of faith. And the gratitude when it arrives is humbling.



Voodoo fires up my mojo…an actor reborn
January 25, 2007, 9:51 am
Filed under: acting, creativity, Life, metaphysics, Spirit

I auditioned for a play last night. If you knew me, you’d roll your eyes and wonder why I wasn’t doing this on a regulary basis. For many years I’ve been focusing on singing, but acting is a big part of my training as a performer. I always wanted to sing but instruction was sparse around me, and yet it always seemed I could take an acting class anywhere I looked. So I did. And I’m funny and I have a good time.

This past summer I rediscovered the bug when I auditioned for a dinner theatre gig in Boston. At the time I thought, why not? I arrived a little early and sat in South Station reading the audition materials and I thought wow, I could get into this life….traipsing around the city, with time between audtions for funky cafes and cool shops and people watching. At the audition I felt something reawakened that had been sleeping for a long time. I did my thing, and of course they asked me to sing too, since they knew I could.

I performed a monologue I had written, since I couldn’t find anything I liked online. In fact I need to find it and record it somewhere more permanent than the blue lined pad it’s written on right now. ‘Cause I like it! And I get to use a southern accent with it. And it went over well.

When I left that audition I felt so connected to the universe and full of life. Was that, perhaps, a sign, you ask? Indeed, perhaps it was! It was like the Great Flow was connected through me, I was part of it all. I guess I’d been disconnected for some time.

By the way, I was cast. As an occasional player in the role of Mumbo Jumbles, a singing charlatan voodoo priestess who goes around the boat making up songs on the spot and singing them to people, and doing readings and performing fake rituals. (Everyone that knows me thought this was hilarious. I actually can do readings, and do make up songs constantly that I sing, largely to my dog. Who is very appreciative, thank you very much.) The best part is the show and dinner took place on a boat, during a three hour cruise of Boston Harbor. How cool is that? And I got paid to do it, so that makes me a professional actress. It’s official.

So when talking to a spiritual friend recently, she said that she felt like i should join a theatre group, and that that would lead to work in that realm. I thought to myself, I don’t want to join a theatre group. Yuck. Don’t know why I felt that way, really.

But shortly thereafter on a trip to Border’s with my mom, she came back from the ladies’ room saying “hey, there’s a flyer up in the hallway about auditions for a play coming up [in our town]. And I don’t know if its obvious to you, but I knew it was a nudge from the Higher Ups. So last night I went.

We spent a little over an hour doing really fun theatre-y exercises on stage. And I was surprised how much my body remembers. I cheated out naturally, every time. And when 5 of us were doing the same thing at once, I naturally moved downstage to be seen, not upstaging others, but claiming my own space. And we had great chances to be very physical. It comes back to me now, what is it, those 4 levels of height an actor uses? Someone? Anyway, I used them all quite naturally. It’s wonderful to audition and play when you have nothing to lose. In fact we never do and should audition this way always. It was a great night! It fired me up!

The director is a new theatre grad, fresh off the press and still wet. She said “If you’re interested in knowing your chances of getting cast, well, so far there are 9 auditioners and 10 roles.”

And it was an eclectic group of lovely people. I went in with the intention to be centered in love, and to see with loving eyes. And it worked; I could see the beauty of all these people, these gentle creative spirits. I’d read a message from a book that afternoon called Angel Blessings about spiritual family and how they are the ones that you really vibe with, unlike (so frequently) your blood family, or to coin a phrase, your Teaching Family. This was true here; I felt instant affection for most of them.

So, I find out Friday if I got cast (there are more auditions tonight). I’ll tell you how it turns out when I hear.