Lara’s World


Embracing our Power: SCARE other people, so what?? (One for Gracie)
February 23, 2007, 11:47 am
Filed under: dreams, intuition, metaphysical, Spirit

My blog friend Grace recently responded to a dream described in a post of mine with the most dead-on and insightful dream analysis. Grace, in my response I mentioned plans for a series of posts to expound on how well your analysis hit the mark. But since then, there’s been less energy in the past and more energy for now, and the future. Your response was most definitely a healing instrument! However, I think I can convey why I was so blown away in one post, and, rather than past events, what deserves energy here is the time a new friend took to offer insight and share her talents with a new friend. Grace’s comments are in Italics (Oh, for some colors and font options!)

First of all, I felt that this dream dealt with your personal power. Trying on the clothes that someone else picked out (perhaps a ‘mother’ like female authoritarian figure) could be symbolic of ways in which you ‘try on’ the opinions of others regarding you, your life, what you should believe, etc. Could the clothes be symbolic of your outward appearance only, or could they also have deeper meaning as you are searching for the right exterior means to present your inner life? Are you putting on an act in any way, so as to conceal who you really are with a ‘façade’ of approval by others?
Also, the clothes could represent different aspects of your life – which feel appropriate, which don’t? Are others trying to tell you want to do with your time? Are you trying to fit in somewhere?

Well, just sum up my life and relationships with women why don’t you? 🙂 Love from early female figures in my life was conditional and/or non-existent. Ouch. Anything I did or said was eventually for the purpose of pleasing those who provided me with what I needed in life. So basically, I pleased others in order to survive. And I didn’t feel safe unless I had a smile of approval aimed at me (the alternative was pretty unpleasant and scary. and painful. and soulcrushing.) I buried my true self just so I wouldn’t cease to exist, and yet, based on that burying, for a long time and in large part, I really did cease to exist. This was a choice made by a child’s mind in response to threats in her environment. As a result, the maturing me really had no connection to her true heart to use as a compass for life. The one constant in my life was singing, and yet I no longer trusted what my heart told me to be true. I relied on outside cues. Oddly, when I received (constant) positive feedback for singing, I did not trust that it would provide me with what I needed. And of course, family, reflecting back our own fears to us, helps us along this road of doubt by suggesting politely that we have something to fall back on, etc.

Oh my GOD! (Laughing) What a long and winding road I walked down, trying to listen to something other than my own truth!!! LOLOL Let me illustrate:

I wanted to be a singer. But I auditioned for a really elite acting school. And since I got in, I guess I figured I should go. Cut from the program after a year (I guess it was apparent when I would sing almost every time we were asked to perform that I didn’t really want to be there), I was like a fish out of water. I got a job in a bank (soulcrushing, at least for my soul) where the dynamic was a dysfunctional group of women who loathed me unless I conformed. But my mom was pleased. Moved on to another branch and from there (after about a year and a half) I went back to school and studied economics. Ultimately. Because it took me about ten years. And I declared my major in the last year I think it was. In between I worked in finance, and decided that was the career for me. I went to work for a dot com and started reeling in the bucks, and got laid off about the time I was getting burnt out. Tried alternative healing for a year or so. Temp work, including the finance section of a car auction house, the dynamic of which was – well, I suppose you can guess. Jealousy, power trips, gossip, nasty, just like the first bank. Can you feel that there was no energy behind any of this? Decided to be a singer. Found a job that would pay me while I worked on that. A little municipal job that was painted as very easy, and turned out to be HELL. LOLOL And who was my boss? A chemically imbalanced, woman with no self-esteem who was known thoughout the town (employees) for flying into rages that no one could relate to any perceivable cause.

Isn’t life GRAND? The way we can depend on a lesson surfacing again and again and again until we get it? It relives a bit of the fear that we won’t get it right. And quite honestly, this kind of thing is part of why I know we have so much love and support around us. Nope. Try again.

This job was what I needed to cut loose. I mean, it was horrible. I worked 8-4:30 and then covered meetings 3-4 nights at least every other week. 45-50 hours a week for this little job that would “tide me over.” The pressure was awful, the support and training was none. I mean NO training. When I left, I did one of those “create a crisis so I have to leave” things. And really, I didn’t need to leave over what I created, but I jumped on it. And they replaced me with 2.5 people (one of whom is the Town Planner). I’m just trying to illustrate the extent of my self denial. While I was there, my neck and shoulder tension was painful and debilitating. When pain and finger numbness almost made me leave church in pain one day, I finally went to the doctor. Who had never met me but felt my tense areas and looked at me oddly. She said “your back feels like…cement.” She prescribed muscle relaxants and narcotics that very day. Yes, this is what we can do to ourselves. And is what we do when we outright refuse to listen to our bodies and spirits. And I will add that Vicodin had no effect. But the muscle relaxants helped with time. 🙂

As I was saying, I needed this job. My guides had said I’d learn alot from it. Ah, yes, I love my guides. I left that job in 11/04 and have since refused to do anything for work that did not feed my spirit, instead of draining it. What happened next?

Well, Grace, I guess it is a series of posts, cause I’m sure folks need a break by now. 🙂 Tune in for part two if you like, and see how Graces continues with more holes in one.

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Intuition, Premonition, Dreaming, How Girls Disappear
February 16, 2007, 11:55 am
Filed under: acting, awakening, creativity, dreams, intuition, Life, metaphysical, metaphysics, singer, Spirit

Last night I dreamt that I was a young would-be model, who had been taken on by a (female) manager, and was being prepared for some sort of showcase (of talent, for prospective clients). I remember being so relieved that someone in the know was guiding my career, and feeling that things were really going to start moving ahead for me…I was on my way. We went shopping, and this manager was picking out clothes that I felt were weird and kind of dowdy in some cases. The clothes would not have flattered me, or shown me off in the best way possible for my form. For example, there was a multi-weird-colored open work granny square vest (pull over). I remember in the dream I was standing in the fitting room thinking, trying to be open minded, how could this work? Over a long skirt and silk blouse with tall boots? It still was not going to have me stand out in a good way in this showcase. I was hesitant to express my concerns to this woman…I didn’t want to offend her and seem to be full of myself. Before I could address this issue it was time to leave for a dinner that was part of this whole affair, and the last thing I remember is being in an unfamiliar car by myself, preparing to start it up and get on my way (to the dinner).

Any thoughts?

Recently, in real life, I ran into an old acquaintance at the Post Office. I noticed her from the corner of my eye, and realized I knew her. She’d come up to stand behind me at the counter, which is unusual because she hadn’t been called yet and there are three people manning the counter, so presumably she needed to see the one who was helping me. Anyway, this is probably why I noticed her. Twenty-four inches away from me and she didn’t notice me. Anyway, as I recognized her, I felt (energetically) my arms go around her in comfort. And so I gave her a big hug. There was sadness just emanating from her, I guess. I had a chance to chat with her outside and get a quick version of recent events in her life. I should offer some back story here. She was a single mom of three with at least two dads represented. In 2004 (the last time we’d really hung out) during one of the famous Red Sox post season games, I was at her house to watch with a mutual friend and friend’s boyfriend and son and daughter, and with the woman in question and her new fiance. She was happy, they were old friends and were newly engaged. He was clean-cut and healthy looking, an Irish (American) boy with lots of brothers. He told us the story of how he used to be addicted to coke and that night, from his behavior I could tell that this man’s troubles weren’t over. That’s not to say I felt he was still on coke, but I just knew that this was a man in crisis somehow. That if he wasn’t using right then, he’d be doing so before long. The way I felt it was that he had the personality and energy of an addict.

Fast forward to now, and the quick version she told me before we parted was that the now-husband had started drinking, that she’d kicked him out, that he’d come back and started drinking again. One of her kids was upset and went to talk to a guidance counselor which got DSS involved, and now husband is not allowed back, and in addition, the house they bought together is now going into foreclosure. Things have, as they say, hit the fan. I mean, yikes. Things had been tough for her before, on her own with kids, but never this bad, that I knew of.

It’s not a satisfying feeling to get a heads up on a situation like this and then see it play out somewhat the way you’d expected. I guess I’d been working with intuitive arts long enough in 2004 to know I didn’t need to butt in back then. Her life, her choices. And I know enough to know now its not my fault that things happened the way they did.

Growing up I think I had the rep of being kind of a know it all. I knew what people needed to know and do, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t listen, and instead ran ahead into troubles they could have avoided. It was frustrating to say the least, and I think my warnings were designed to save myself pain to an extent…I’m a serious empath, which means I can feel what EVERYONE around me is feeling, and therefore it was painful for me to feel their pain when things went wrong. Perfect solution to simply prevent bad stuff before it went wrong, since I also had a habit of taking on others’ pain, out of compassion and out of wanting to take it away from them. Everbody must be Happy. Now.

A year or two ago my mom said to me, in one of her occasional moments of spiritual lucidity, It must be frustrating to know things and have people ignore what you say. Very true!!! It’s like yelling into a void. Or into a crowd on a city sidewalk, and no one hears you. Sounds kind of like a bad dream.

However, it’s also frustrating if I know things and make the world my business, and try to manage everyone’s lives. I can not stop the world from hurting, and in fact, it’s not meant to be that way anyway. Surprise.

Somewhere I got the idea that if I could just fix everyone else, then I could finally relax and manage my own life. I think a lot of women get this idea. The problem is, when you finally look up and decide to live your own life, it’s hard to remember what it was supposed to be like in the first place. Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about “filling the well.” So important! To nurture yourself before you try to do for others. When you do it in this order, you have enough to give to others without running yourself dry. This issue came up time and again when I was doing readings for other women…it’s a cultural and gender-ical phenomenon. We put others first and lose ourselves. We are nice, and we try not to hurt feelings (much like in my dream, paragraph one).

So for the past few years I’ve been reworking this misguided notion that I needed to save and prevent any kind of pain for others. It wasn’t completely conscious, I mean, I didn’t get up in the morning and put on a mental Superwoman cape on my way out the door. It was just how I was in the world. Working by this precept, I morphed into Common Sense, Tell It Like It Is, Give Advice, Lara Will Know What to Do Girl. Argh.

My true nature is romantic, dreaming, singing, painting, playing, frolicking, idealist, laughing, gypsy, world-traveling, language learning, erotic, experiential, Pisces, hiding, flirting, backyard tea party, spontaneous, instant in love and right back out girl. I will need to be reeled in by a very grounded man, maybe a Taurus, who will no doubt need to proclaim his undying love and then wait while I run screaming and then peek at him from behind a big tree for a couple of years. I don’t want to be the rock. I have always been the rock and this is not my true nature. With the right rock, I can fly unfettered and land again safely, enabling me to fly even higher. And he has to not only not mind, but also to thrive on this.

So how did we get into romance? Well, it’s another place girls can disappear. Pisces-es are mutable and capable of being everything to everybody. We are secretive and instinctively the last thing we want to be is visible. Until it’s time to take center stage, at which some of us excel. But there is a protocol to when and where, and only we know it. So I’m beginning to live life now as a visible individual, completely out in the open, and its completely uncharted territory, but definitely refreshing. So, note to other Pisceans, you can do it and you’ll enjoy it, but do schedule regular hibernation, cause that will still be necessary.