Lara’s World


She was gone, but not dead.
November 28, 2007, 6:25 pm
Filed under: acting, awakening, blogging, conscious co-creation, Crochet, Gifts, intuition, knitting

So hi, I’m back and feel like I might have some stuff to write about again.
Much going on, transitions, internal and external, projects to post…
I dunno. But I’m feeling the figurative pen dip into the equally figurative ink, and I thought
I’d dip back into Blogland to see what y’all been up to.

Good to see you again.

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Happy Thursday: How ya’ been?

I’ve been away for a while, and in the last week or two have thought about coming back to write some more. Last Friday I got a little package of gifts in the mail from a stranger (think RAOK) on just that day when I needed a lift. And after she read my thank you note she discovered my blog, and wrote me today that she was blown away because so much here at Lara’s World was just what she needed to be reading. Is that not amazing? I took it as a Universal Nudge.

I think I felt like I was writing for other people, when I wanted to connect to and express my own voice in this blog. Don’t get me wrong…the spiritual stuff especially is for others, for informational purposes as well as to create dialog. And the other stuff is for expression and perhaps dialog as well. But with the other stuff, the..self exploration?? I think I discovered that I was too aware of readers, of what people might think, or expressing things in a certain way. For example, writing them to elicit a specific reaction, maybe. Anyway, I needed to back off and reconnect with authenticity a bit.

The funny thing is, that the above is not to say that what I wrote isn’t authentic…it’s just that I would like to write with only the goal of true expression in mind. And to let the interaction in blogland come after. So there you go.

Grace, if you’re reading this, I left off in the middle of a story. I think the long and short of it is this:

1. Girl born in America
2. Girl learns to obliterate self and recreate new, perfect self in order to win approval at all times and from all possible sources.
3. Girl discovers, perhaps a bit late, that previous modus operandi is daft, also finds that she is pissed about this. Begins to seek alternative methods of living.
4. Girl declares that she will never again take a job that drains her spirit, in fact will only do work that feeds her soul from here on in. That she will only be true to herself, and will learn how to do just that.

And, now:

5. (How fitting, since 5’s are about transformation) Girl is sitting in place while universe brings desired changes around her. Girl is living on her principles and faith. Pretty much no one gets what she is doing or why she is doing it. Girl knows something great is developing, and that she will soon abundantly support herself by virtue of her talents and dreams, by virtue of her true self. Universe periodically delivers enough money for Girl to live on (yea! for signposts). Girl is only one who gets it or even sees the path she is on, but even amidst doubters and concerned individuals, Girl is for the first time discovering herself on a peaceful island where she knows all is well because she’s made a decision to follow the truth she felt in her heart. Only she can feel or discern said truth, but she’s now grown up enough to trust it and go with it.

6. Girl is subject to periodic panic attacks, but while she won’t say these are a breeze, the truth is that regardless of paralyzing moments of doubt, girl knows – and I mean, knows – that she’s in right place at right time, doing right thing. Girl is living at family home while she recrafts her life at 35. Family was never easy and isn’t now, but is kind enough to give her the time and space she needs. During panic attacks girl feels like loser. During moments of faith girl knows she’s a pioneer, and wants to pass what she knows on to others who are living something that feels untrue. Cool Chick (formerly “girl”) notices that although no one really knows what she’s up to, or really understands, Cool Chick is a big success, which she feels in her belly, swirling and forming and getting ready to bust a move at the right time out onto the earth plane.

I guess my point would be, Grace et al, that though I don’t have the after story yet to go with my before story, my NOW story is bringing me such peace and joy, and all from following my own truth. I’m in that in between space and feel alive. And it does deliver all I need at the moment. My heart is full, my heart and mind are alive with possibilities, and noticing opportunities, and I feel the spiritual support around me big time. Panic or doubts are the death throes of my old beliefs, the labor pains of the new consciousness that is being born in me. I’ve said before we need to express what we feel (haven’t I?) and not just squash it down in an effort to be “positive” or something. Well, those doubtful moments are just that…expressions of old beliefs or emotions about abundance and the way we need to be in the world…expressions that allow the releasing of said beliefs and emotions, and the clearing necessary to allow space for new ones…such as, that All Is Well. I AM deeply loved. I AM unique on this planet, and what I AM is exactly what the world needs from me, and what I will love to give. I AM a being of joy, and will express this to everyone else. By being myself exactly as I am, I give those around me permission to do exactly the same thing. I would love to see the world doing this…being only who they are at any given moment. As I picture it I can see everyone exhaling and gliding around smiling, putting no pressure on others to do or be anything they don’t want to, loving others exactly as they are, feeling peace.



Guidesposts for your Spiritual Path (Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening, Part II)

In the post Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening: A List, I talked about the aforementioned symptoms and, well, provided a list. Paul Left the following comment, to which I decided to dedicate a new (in fact, this) post:

Very interesting.. over the last few months, some of the above symptoms have been manifesting themselves in/on/around myself. Going back years, i have had odd strange things happen around me.. including a Medium coming up to me and telling me that i had a “gift”…- and that i could be a “Great Healer” – (Her words). I more or less ignored it all over the years until recently when being told by a couple of independent people that they could see a “Spirit” boy with me.
I have, over the last 6 months or so, been attempting to find out more about the whole subject, and perhaps what i am supposed to do about it… – if anything…
During this time, i have been experiencing an ever increasing degree of “flickering”/”vibrating” sensations on/around my crown. I suppose what i’m getting at is.. Do you think that i am in the process of Spiritual Awakening that you discuss above.? And if i am, what should i expect to happen to me… i don’t appear to be seeing Ghosts or anything… is this likely to start happening some time soon… ? Not that it would worry me if i did actually..
Paul.
Comment by Paul. 02.23.07

Paul, I’m not sure I can say what you should expect to happen. When I put your energy experiences (i.e.) crown tingling together with the seeking you’ve been doing for the past 1/2 year, I’d say yes, there is some spiritual awakening going on. I bet for more than 6 months. Heck, I’d say it was true even minus the tingling.

Do you want to see spirits? As you become more sensitive, yes, it’s possible that you will perceive them in various ways. You can let your guides know that you are or are not comfortable with this. Does the idea of being a great healer strike you as a fabulous and fascinating road to explore? Then perhaps healing begs some investigation on your part. Study of intuitive development will aid you in both these respects, as it will go a long way to explaining your experiences.

As for your spirit boy, I don’t know who he is or what his story is, but have you sat down and attempted to perceive him yourself? Find out his story? This is a point that I think that bears some space of its own, perhaps in another post. The realm of spirit is fascinating to me.

I thought your questions on your spiritual path were worth investigating in detail because a lot of people have questions like this, and perhaps with this conversation we could assist someone who feels called to experience spiritual growth and has no idea where to start. I guess it would be helpful for me to think about what I would have liked someone to tell me at the start of my own path. So I’ll explore that now, fellow traveler.

Trust
Let’s start right there for the person who has no idea what to do first. You have in fact already done the first thing! That call you feel to grow, to change, to “something more” is the first thing. If you never did another thing, the universe would still bring you what you need to follow your path; including a path. Seriously. Insert sigh of relief.

Meditate.
I feel like the best first bit of advice I could give you or the aforementioned beginner is to take 15 minutes every morning to sit quietly and focus on your breathing, with the intention of getting to know your own heart. When thoughts pop in, notice them and let them go as your return your focus to your breath. This practice is valuable for many reasons, and will help you differentiate between yourself and other phenomena that happen around you. It will aid your spiritual growth. From there you can select from the smorgasbord of different ways to meditate and explore which ones work, are fun, are meaningful, what aids you to be peaceful in yourself, connect with the divine, heal your body mind and spirit, or whatever your intention might be.

*I will confess that I did this a bit out of order (as in, last). I meditated, but my intention was to grow spiritually and become more aware of guides, angels, etc. because I thought these concepts were very cool. I studied all kinds of healing modalities and experienced great healing, and facilitated healing for others. To be honest, this was probably the way I, being me, would have had to do it. I followed my heart when deciding how to proceed, and I think heart following is probably the best bit of advice you could remember from anything that you learn anywhere. Now is the time when I’m focusing on knowing my heart/soul a bit more deeply, and honoring them as the first source of guidance in my life. I did do it my way, and it did work for me. And so, naturally:

Follow your heart
Regarding your question, what you are supposed to do about it…Follow your heart. Have I driven this home yet? I have to say here that what seems perhaps like a platitude will reveal the depths of its truth to you with time. The most basic spiritual truths are never as facile as they might seem. Your heart knows what is right and wrong for you. If you are honest with yourself your heart will be a natural, built-in compass. What should you do about it? Well, what seems true to you out of all that you encounter and read? What is fascinating to you, excites you?…what do you want to read and learn more about? Allow these urges and inclinations to guide you; they are signals from your soul.

Talk to others who are exploring. What are they seeking? What excites them? Are they full of horsepuckey? Do they have truth to share with you? Do you have truth to share with them? Other seekers can provide a sounding board for you to get your ideas and intuitive knowledge together, crystallized, so that you can see it better and again, know yourself. So will a journal. Or a blog. Other seekers will also share a similar energy with you, that is supportive, and perhaps something you can’t share with your old friends.

Keep an open mind, allow your heart to be the judge.
When you hear or read or otherwise learn something new, and your heart instantly jumps for joy with this new concept or knowledge, go with your heart. If your mind instantly says its crazy, agree to suspend disbelief, wait a while. Wait until your heart chimes in with its opinion, to confirm that this something is indeed nuts (to you), or until your heart suggests that, “well, maybe there is some truth here; let’s keep listening until it jumps out at us”. This is a rule I made for myself, so as not to cut off discovery before it starts. When you think you know everything, there is nothing else to learn. I want to be open to and learn as much as possible. So I give myself plenty of time to mull. It has gotten to where I don’t need as long, in fact, I can usually feel and honor my heart reaction pretty quickly now, as opposed to the mind impeding things. If you are already there, bless you.

Keep the best, discard the rest.
And this applies to what you’re reading right now. (I mean my post, hun.) If you find a book that offers concepts that blow your mind and ring your truth bell, but some of it makes you shrink away, accept the love it has to offer. The rest is either: something you’re not ready for, or simply not something that is true for you (i.e. a new addition to your hogwash list). Sometimes hogwash has a kernel of truth that you need. Don’t throw the diamond out with the dishwater, so to speak. This will help you to feel safe in exploring whatever you wanna’ explore. To not edit yourself before you begin. You don’t have to take on a whole doctrine when you only resonate with points 1 and 2b.

Know that what’s true for you can and will change.
Ha HA! This might be one of the best parts. If you’re truly on your path and connected, the universe will continually surprise you. Embrace the continual newness.

Don’t panic.
Thank you, Douglas Adams. I don’t think panic is ever the solution, but if you must try it, then you must I suppose. This goes back to letting the heart lead. It will always offer you the experience you need. For me what’s true is that doubt and fear are not my friends. Ever. If I follow what my heart thought was a good idea in that first instant of consideration, I’m golden. No second guessing for me.

Other things that have been important for me personally:

Holding the highest and most loving intention.
In everything I do. Or think. Do I always nail it? Nope. But pretty often. And I’m open to reviewing the areas where I miss. The easiest guage here for choosing the highest option for me is, what choice or thought or action brings me the most peace?

Tolerance for the spiritual beliefs of others
I think the variety of spiritual pathways in the world is a thing of great beauty and one of our dearest spiritual resources. Through faithfulness to our own path and through honoring the paths of others, I believe we can start to see the beauty and grace, indeed the divine in each other, which is the place where we discover we are all the same.

Express yourself.
You are who you are for a reason. The world needs what you have to say and give. Never doubt it. Your voice can make a difference in ways you never expected.

That’s what I’ve got for now. I sincerely hope there is something here to help you (whoever might be reading). I reserve the right to add and change as I discover more truth.



Embracing our Power: SCARE other people, so what?? (One for Gracie)
February 23, 2007, 11:47 am
Filed under: dreams, intuition, metaphysical, Spirit

My blog friend Grace recently responded to a dream described in a post of mine with the most dead-on and insightful dream analysis. Grace, in my response I mentioned plans for a series of posts to expound on how well your analysis hit the mark. But since then, there’s been less energy in the past and more energy for now, and the future. Your response was most definitely a healing instrument! However, I think I can convey why I was so blown away in one post, and, rather than past events, what deserves energy here is the time a new friend took to offer insight and share her talents with a new friend. Grace’s comments are in Italics (Oh, for some colors and font options!)

First of all, I felt that this dream dealt with your personal power. Trying on the clothes that someone else picked out (perhaps a ‘mother’ like female authoritarian figure) could be symbolic of ways in which you ‘try on’ the opinions of others regarding you, your life, what you should believe, etc. Could the clothes be symbolic of your outward appearance only, or could they also have deeper meaning as you are searching for the right exterior means to present your inner life? Are you putting on an act in any way, so as to conceal who you really are with a ‘façade’ of approval by others?
Also, the clothes could represent different aspects of your life – which feel appropriate, which don’t? Are others trying to tell you want to do with your time? Are you trying to fit in somewhere?

Well, just sum up my life and relationships with women why don’t you? 🙂 Love from early female figures in my life was conditional and/or non-existent. Ouch. Anything I did or said was eventually for the purpose of pleasing those who provided me with what I needed in life. So basically, I pleased others in order to survive. And I didn’t feel safe unless I had a smile of approval aimed at me (the alternative was pretty unpleasant and scary. and painful. and soulcrushing.) I buried my true self just so I wouldn’t cease to exist, and yet, based on that burying, for a long time and in large part, I really did cease to exist. This was a choice made by a child’s mind in response to threats in her environment. As a result, the maturing me really had no connection to her true heart to use as a compass for life. The one constant in my life was singing, and yet I no longer trusted what my heart told me to be true. I relied on outside cues. Oddly, when I received (constant) positive feedback for singing, I did not trust that it would provide me with what I needed. And of course, family, reflecting back our own fears to us, helps us along this road of doubt by suggesting politely that we have something to fall back on, etc.

Oh my GOD! (Laughing) What a long and winding road I walked down, trying to listen to something other than my own truth!!! LOLOL Let me illustrate:

I wanted to be a singer. But I auditioned for a really elite acting school. And since I got in, I guess I figured I should go. Cut from the program after a year (I guess it was apparent when I would sing almost every time we were asked to perform that I didn’t really want to be there), I was like a fish out of water. I got a job in a bank (soulcrushing, at least for my soul) where the dynamic was a dysfunctional group of women who loathed me unless I conformed. But my mom was pleased. Moved on to another branch and from there (after about a year and a half) I went back to school and studied economics. Ultimately. Because it took me about ten years. And I declared my major in the last year I think it was. In between I worked in finance, and decided that was the career for me. I went to work for a dot com and started reeling in the bucks, and got laid off about the time I was getting burnt out. Tried alternative healing for a year or so. Temp work, including the finance section of a car auction house, the dynamic of which was – well, I suppose you can guess. Jealousy, power trips, gossip, nasty, just like the first bank. Can you feel that there was no energy behind any of this? Decided to be a singer. Found a job that would pay me while I worked on that. A little municipal job that was painted as very easy, and turned out to be HELL. LOLOL And who was my boss? A chemically imbalanced, woman with no self-esteem who was known thoughout the town (employees) for flying into rages that no one could relate to any perceivable cause.

Isn’t life GRAND? The way we can depend on a lesson surfacing again and again and again until we get it? It relives a bit of the fear that we won’t get it right. And quite honestly, this kind of thing is part of why I know we have so much love and support around us. Nope. Try again.

This job was what I needed to cut loose. I mean, it was horrible. I worked 8-4:30 and then covered meetings 3-4 nights at least every other week. 45-50 hours a week for this little job that would “tide me over.” The pressure was awful, the support and training was none. I mean NO training. When I left, I did one of those “create a crisis so I have to leave” things. And really, I didn’t need to leave over what I created, but I jumped on it. And they replaced me with 2.5 people (one of whom is the Town Planner). I’m just trying to illustrate the extent of my self denial. While I was there, my neck and shoulder tension was painful and debilitating. When pain and finger numbness almost made me leave church in pain one day, I finally went to the doctor. Who had never met me but felt my tense areas and looked at me oddly. She said “your back feels like…cement.” She prescribed muscle relaxants and narcotics that very day. Yes, this is what we can do to ourselves. And is what we do when we outright refuse to listen to our bodies and spirits. And I will add that Vicodin had no effect. But the muscle relaxants helped with time. 🙂

As I was saying, I needed this job. My guides had said I’d learn alot from it. Ah, yes, I love my guides. I left that job in 11/04 and have since refused to do anything for work that did not feed my spirit, instead of draining it. What happened next?

Well, Grace, I guess it is a series of posts, cause I’m sure folks need a break by now. 🙂 Tune in for part two if you like, and see how Graces continues with more holes in one.



Basking and Communing…Here Comes the Sun

Recently I described how I’ve been sunbathing in my room upon waking, and after a few minutes of soaking in the sun and communing with the divine, I recite aloud the following affirmative prayer that I discovered in a tag surf here at WordPress. It’s a great accompaniment to working with the Law of Attraction because it gets to the root of whatever we might be trying to create…and this is the most direct path to co-creation; getting clear on what you want. For example, if you are focused on creating a lot of money, perhaps the root of what you want is really safety and freedom and fun. Therefore, safety and freedom and fun are what will really help you feel at peace, however they manifest in your life. You can read about the prayer here. For me, this prayer represents manifesting some of my highest ideals for living in this life as a loving and powerful being. Manifesting…really, the more I do this work, the more I feel that we are not so much creating as allowing a preferred reality that already exists to manifest as our primary reality.

Imagine that you are simply choosing to shift your consciousness to a different reality, where infinite realities exist side by side. I can feel them when I focus on it, and sometimes it feels like a a little jump will get me to what I’m focusing on. I think this is what are doing when we are engaging the Law of Attraction. When you focus on what you know you can do and be (for instance, a long time dream for your life), maybe you are simply shifting focus to a new plane of existence, and perhaps this is why some us of know so strongly what we are “destined” for. I’ve come to believe that destiny is a function of a choice + a potential. Choose your highest potential today.

The Silent Prayer

In my heart, I accept my perfect Being.
I accept that the joy that I have intended is already in my life.
I accept that love I have prayed for is already within me.
I accept that the peace I have asked for is already my reality.
I accept that the abundance I have sought already fills my life.

In my truth, I accept my perfect Being.
I take responsibility for my own creations,
And all things that are within my life.
I acknowledge the power of Spirit that is within me,
And know that all things are as they should be.

In my wisdom, I accept my perfect Being.
My lessons have been carefully chosen by my Self,
And now I walk through them in full experience.
My path takes me on a sacred journey with divine purpose.
My experiences become part of All That Is.

In my knowingness, I accept my perfect Being.
In this moment, I sit in my golden chair
And know that I Am an angel of light.
I look upon the golden tray – the gift of Spirit –
And know that all of my desires already have been fufilled.

In love for my Self, I accept my perfect Being.
I cast no judgment or burdens upon my Self.
I accept that everything in my past was given in love.
I accept that everything in this moment comes from love.
I accept that everything in my future will result in greater love.

In my Being, I accept my perfection.
And so it is.

Namaste.



100 Days of Co-Creation, Loving the Law

So I’ve been playing with and learning about abundance for a few years now. Conscious co-creation really does work, and I’ve been feeling around looking for the best way to apply it in a bigger way and to create the things/experiences I want now.

I’ve been inspired to spend the next 100 days consciously working with and applying these laws to my life. The program at that link begins today (I found it on a blog here; shout out if it was yours) and decided to give it a go. I was kind of busy today but wanted to take a concrete step of some sort.

So I headed out to Borders tonight and grabbed some books I’ve been wanting, in relation to all this, and practiced consciously spending the money in a peaceful state of mind, and being grateful for these wonderful new spirit toys!!! Yay! I consciously chose the ones that really resonated with me, and got all the ones I wanted.

Can I tell you; it was SO fun! Such a simple thing, but it was great because I did what my spirit guided me to do. Surrounding yourself with things that bring you joy is a principle of Feng Shui, and is so important, and worked well here. Taking everything I wanted from my heart and only what I wanted was really wonderful.

Since you’re dying to know, here’s what I got:

Masaru Emoto’s Love Thyself: The Message from Water III

Louise Hay’s I Can Do It: How to Use Affirmations to Change Your Life

Esther And Jerry Hicks’ The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent: Living the Art of Allowing

Esther And Jerry Hicks’ The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham

I already own Ask and It Is Given. And, Oh! The main aspect of abundance and creation that my guides talk about lately is Making a Decision. I.e., choosing what I want to create. In order to do that effectively, you have to be in touch with your heart. Which is what I’m actively learning about right now. So to the above mix I added a guided meditation on CD by Cheryl Richardson, called Tuning In: Listening to the Voice of Your Soul. And on that note, I think I’ll head off to bed and pop it into the player (yet another act towards applying the principles in my life in a more active way. And I’ll be lying down no less).

Be Well!



Intuition, Premonition, Dreaming, How Girls Disappear
February 16, 2007, 11:55 am
Filed under: acting, awakening, creativity, dreams, intuition, Life, metaphysical, metaphysics, singer, Spirit

Last night I dreamt that I was a young would-be model, who had been taken on by a (female) manager, and was being prepared for some sort of showcase (of talent, for prospective clients). I remember being so relieved that someone in the know was guiding my career, and feeling that things were really going to start moving ahead for me…I was on my way. We went shopping, and this manager was picking out clothes that I felt were weird and kind of dowdy in some cases. The clothes would not have flattered me, or shown me off in the best way possible for my form. For example, there was a multi-weird-colored open work granny square vest (pull over). I remember in the dream I was standing in the fitting room thinking, trying to be open minded, how could this work? Over a long skirt and silk blouse with tall boots? It still was not going to have me stand out in a good way in this showcase. I was hesitant to express my concerns to this woman…I didn’t want to offend her and seem to be full of myself. Before I could address this issue it was time to leave for a dinner that was part of this whole affair, and the last thing I remember is being in an unfamiliar car by myself, preparing to start it up and get on my way (to the dinner).

Any thoughts?

Recently, in real life, I ran into an old acquaintance at the Post Office. I noticed her from the corner of my eye, and realized I knew her. She’d come up to stand behind me at the counter, which is unusual because she hadn’t been called yet and there are three people manning the counter, so presumably she needed to see the one who was helping me. Anyway, this is probably why I noticed her. Twenty-four inches away from me and she didn’t notice me. Anyway, as I recognized her, I felt (energetically) my arms go around her in comfort. And so I gave her a big hug. There was sadness just emanating from her, I guess. I had a chance to chat with her outside and get a quick version of recent events in her life. I should offer some back story here. She was a single mom of three with at least two dads represented. In 2004 (the last time we’d really hung out) during one of the famous Red Sox post season games, I was at her house to watch with a mutual friend and friend’s boyfriend and son and daughter, and with the woman in question and her new fiance. She was happy, they were old friends and were newly engaged. He was clean-cut and healthy looking, an Irish (American) boy with lots of brothers. He told us the story of how he used to be addicted to coke and that night, from his behavior I could tell that this man’s troubles weren’t over. That’s not to say I felt he was still on coke, but I just knew that this was a man in crisis somehow. That if he wasn’t using right then, he’d be doing so before long. The way I felt it was that he had the personality and energy of an addict.

Fast forward to now, and the quick version she told me before we parted was that the now-husband had started drinking, that she’d kicked him out, that he’d come back and started drinking again. One of her kids was upset and went to talk to a guidance counselor which got DSS involved, and now husband is not allowed back, and in addition, the house they bought together is now going into foreclosure. Things have, as they say, hit the fan. I mean, yikes. Things had been tough for her before, on her own with kids, but never this bad, that I knew of.

It’s not a satisfying feeling to get a heads up on a situation like this and then see it play out somewhat the way you’d expected. I guess I’d been working with intuitive arts long enough in 2004 to know I didn’t need to butt in back then. Her life, her choices. And I know enough to know now its not my fault that things happened the way they did.

Growing up I think I had the rep of being kind of a know it all. I knew what people needed to know and do, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t listen, and instead ran ahead into troubles they could have avoided. It was frustrating to say the least, and I think my warnings were designed to save myself pain to an extent…I’m a serious empath, which means I can feel what EVERYONE around me is feeling, and therefore it was painful for me to feel their pain when things went wrong. Perfect solution to simply prevent bad stuff before it went wrong, since I also had a habit of taking on others’ pain, out of compassion and out of wanting to take it away from them. Everbody must be Happy. Now.

A year or two ago my mom said to me, in one of her occasional moments of spiritual lucidity, It must be frustrating to know things and have people ignore what you say. Very true!!! It’s like yelling into a void. Or into a crowd on a city sidewalk, and no one hears you. Sounds kind of like a bad dream.

However, it’s also frustrating if I know things and make the world my business, and try to manage everyone’s lives. I can not stop the world from hurting, and in fact, it’s not meant to be that way anyway. Surprise.

Somewhere I got the idea that if I could just fix everyone else, then I could finally relax and manage my own life. I think a lot of women get this idea. The problem is, when you finally look up and decide to live your own life, it’s hard to remember what it was supposed to be like in the first place. Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about “filling the well.” So important! To nurture yourself before you try to do for others. When you do it in this order, you have enough to give to others without running yourself dry. This issue came up time and again when I was doing readings for other women…it’s a cultural and gender-ical phenomenon. We put others first and lose ourselves. We are nice, and we try not to hurt feelings (much like in my dream, paragraph one).

So for the past few years I’ve been reworking this misguided notion that I needed to save and prevent any kind of pain for others. It wasn’t completely conscious, I mean, I didn’t get up in the morning and put on a mental Superwoman cape on my way out the door. It was just how I was in the world. Working by this precept, I morphed into Common Sense, Tell It Like It Is, Give Advice, Lara Will Know What to Do Girl. Argh.

My true nature is romantic, dreaming, singing, painting, playing, frolicking, idealist, laughing, gypsy, world-traveling, language learning, erotic, experiential, Pisces, hiding, flirting, backyard tea party, spontaneous, instant in love and right back out girl. I will need to be reeled in by a very grounded man, maybe a Taurus, who will no doubt need to proclaim his undying love and then wait while I run screaming and then peek at him from behind a big tree for a couple of years. I don’t want to be the rock. I have always been the rock and this is not my true nature. With the right rock, I can fly unfettered and land again safely, enabling me to fly even higher. And he has to not only not mind, but also to thrive on this.

So how did we get into romance? Well, it’s another place girls can disappear. Pisces-es are mutable and capable of being everything to everybody. We are secretive and instinctively the last thing we want to be is visible. Until it’s time to take center stage, at which some of us excel. But there is a protocol to when and where, and only we know it. So I’m beginning to live life now as a visible individual, completely out in the open, and its completely uncharted territory, but definitely refreshing. So, note to other Pisceans, you can do it and you’ll enjoy it, but do schedule regular hibernation, cause that will still be necessary.