Lara’s World


Intuition, Premonition, Dreaming, How Girls Disappear
February 16, 2007, 11:55 am
Filed under: acting, awakening, creativity, dreams, intuition, Life, metaphysical, metaphysics, singer, Spirit

Last night I dreamt that I was a young would-be model, who had been taken on by a (female) manager, and was being prepared for some sort of showcase (of talent, for prospective clients). I remember being so relieved that someone in the know was guiding my career, and feeling that things were really going to start moving ahead for me…I was on my way. We went shopping, and this manager was picking out clothes that I felt were weird and kind of dowdy in some cases. The clothes would not have flattered me, or shown me off in the best way possible for my form. For example, there was a multi-weird-colored open work granny square vest (pull over). I remember in the dream I was standing in the fitting room thinking, trying to be open minded, how could this work? Over a long skirt and silk blouse with tall boots? It still was not going to have me stand out in a good way in this showcase. I was hesitant to express my concerns to this woman…I didn’t want to offend her and seem to be full of myself. Before I could address this issue it was time to leave for a dinner that was part of this whole affair, and the last thing I remember is being in an unfamiliar car by myself, preparing to start it up and get on my way (to the dinner).

Any thoughts?

Recently, in real life, I ran into an old acquaintance at the Post Office. I noticed her from the corner of my eye, and realized I knew her. She’d come up to stand behind me at the counter, which is unusual because she hadn’t been called yet and there are three people manning the counter, so presumably she needed to see the one who was helping me. Anyway, this is probably why I noticed her. Twenty-four inches away from me and she didn’t notice me. Anyway, as I recognized her, I felt (energetically) my arms go around her in comfort. And so I gave her a big hug. There was sadness just emanating from her, I guess. I had a chance to chat with her outside and get a quick version of recent events in her life. I should offer some back story here. She was a single mom of three with at least two dads represented. In 2004 (the last time we’d really hung out) during one of the famous Red Sox post season games, I was at her house to watch with a mutual friend and friend’s boyfriend and son and daughter, and with the woman in question and her new fiance. She was happy, they were old friends and were newly engaged. He was clean-cut and healthy looking, an Irish (American) boy with lots of brothers. He told us the story of how he used to be addicted to coke and that night, from his behavior I could tell that this man’s troubles weren’t over. That’s not to say I felt he was still on coke, but I just knew that this was a man in crisis somehow. That if he wasn’t using right then, he’d be doing so before long. The way I felt it was that he had the personality and energy of an addict.

Fast forward to now, and the quick version she told me before we parted was that the now-husband had started drinking, that she’d kicked him out, that he’d come back and started drinking again. One of her kids was upset and went to talk to a guidance counselor which got DSS involved, and now husband is not allowed back, and in addition, the house they bought together is now going into foreclosure. Things have, as they say, hit the fan. I mean, yikes. Things had been tough for her before, on her own with kids, but never this bad, that I knew of.

It’s not a satisfying feeling to get a heads up on a situation like this and then see it play out somewhat the way you’d expected. I guess I’d been working with intuitive arts long enough in 2004 to know I didn’t need to butt in back then. Her life, her choices. And I know enough to know now its not my fault that things happened the way they did.

Growing up I think I had the rep of being kind of a know it all. I knew what people needed to know and do, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t listen, and instead ran ahead into troubles they could have avoided. It was frustrating to say the least, and I think my warnings were designed to save myself pain to an extent…I’m a serious empath, which means I can feel what EVERYONE around me is feeling, and therefore it was painful for me to feel their pain when things went wrong. Perfect solution to simply prevent bad stuff before it went wrong, since I also had a habit of taking on others’ pain, out of compassion and out of wanting to take it away from them. Everbody must be Happy. Now.

A year or two ago my mom said to me, in one of her occasional moments of spiritual lucidity, It must be frustrating to know things and have people ignore what you say. Very true!!! It’s like yelling into a void. Or into a crowd on a city sidewalk, and no one hears you. Sounds kind of like a bad dream.

However, it’s also frustrating if I know things and make the world my business, and try to manage everyone’s lives. I can not stop the world from hurting, and in fact, it’s not meant to be that way anyway. Surprise.

Somewhere I got the idea that if I could just fix everyone else, then I could finally relax and manage my own life. I think a lot of women get this idea. The problem is, when you finally look up and decide to live your own life, it’s hard to remember what it was supposed to be like in the first place. Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about “filling the well.” So important! To nurture yourself before you try to do for others. When you do it in this order, you have enough to give to others without running yourself dry. This issue came up time and again when I was doing readings for other women…it’s a cultural and gender-ical phenomenon. We put others first and lose ourselves. We are nice, and we try not to hurt feelings (much like in my dream, paragraph one).

So for the past few years I’ve been reworking this misguided notion that I needed to save and prevent any kind of pain for others. It wasn’t completely conscious, I mean, I didn’t get up in the morning and put on a mental Superwoman cape on my way out the door. It was just how I was in the world. Working by this precept, I morphed into Common Sense, Tell It Like It Is, Give Advice, Lara Will Know What to Do Girl. Argh.

My true nature is romantic, dreaming, singing, painting, playing, frolicking, idealist, laughing, gypsy, world-traveling, language learning, erotic, experiential, Pisces, hiding, flirting, backyard tea party, spontaneous, instant in love and right back out girl. I will need to be reeled in by a very grounded man, maybe a Taurus, who will no doubt need to proclaim his undying love and then wait while I run screaming and then peek at him from behind a big tree for a couple of years. I don’t want to be the rock. I have always been the rock and this is not my true nature. With the right rock, I can fly unfettered and land again safely, enabling me to fly even higher. And he has to not only not mind, but also to thrive on this.

So how did we get into romance? Well, it’s another place girls can disappear. Pisces-es are mutable and capable of being everything to everybody. We are secretive and instinctively the last thing we want to be is visible. Until it’s time to take center stage, at which some of us excel. But there is a protocol to when and where, and only we know it. So I’m beginning to live life now as a visible individual, completely out in the open, and its completely uncharted territory, but definitely refreshing. So, note to other Pisceans, you can do it and you’ll enjoy it, but do schedule regular hibernation, cause that will still be necessary.

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Fortune and Cookies a Morning Sunbath

I always tell people that faith is not just hearts and flowers. Faith is an energy required to support your creative goals. Despair will hinder efforts at creation, though luckily faith outweighs despair in the final tally (cause to be honest, we all have moments of each, and one positive thought cancels out a bunch of negative ones).

Yesterday was one of the hard days for me. I was struck by fear and sadness and usually when this happens I run screaming from the urge to meditate and find peace. Overall, its a sense of constant restlessness; why aren’t things happening??? Am I just supposed to sit still? Stillness is challenging for me! I like to motor.

My current situation is such that I know I’m in a period of stillness right now, in my life. Just prior to moving forward in a big way. That presents a couple of issues. 1. I can’t WAIT!!!! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW! And 2. No one else knows this, only I do. Am I an idiot? Are they thinking I’m an idiot? Have I got any cred left?

Well, at the same time I feel these things, A. I know that it’s a time for waiting and for practicing peace, finding peace when I feel unpeaceful. Getting this practice down pat. And B. It’s a time for getting very clear on what I want and on my intention. This is hard when I just want to DO DO DO, but I get it, and grudgingly know its necessary.

When I say just prior to moving forward, I mean JUST prior: I kept getting a sense that this spring amazing opportunities are opening up for me, jumping for joy opportunities, a chance to motor. I keep getting messages about this too, as in from a medium at my (Spiritualist) church, from my own sense, from readings I do at home (quick angel card draws)…. A couple of weeks ago I spoke about this to a friend who was over to go to lunch one day. I’m teaching her how to tune in and to be honest she’s quite gifted. She felt like mid-April was going to bring big stuff.

I felt better hearing that cause it matched my own feelings, and so we headed off to the best Chinese Buffet in town ($6 includes unlimited beverages. What?!? And the food is the best around. Seriously.) So we had great food and a good time, and on the way out, knowing we can receive messages any time, anywhere, reaching into the fortune cookie bin I said (in my head, please) “Angels, give me a message about spring and moving forward.” What was the message you might ask? To be honest I don’t remember. I think I read it, but at the time I was still blown away by the fact that – well, you know how on a fortune cookie, one side has a message and one side has a word to learn in Chinese? Well, my word was “April.”

So fast forward to yesterday. We had had Chinese the night before (same place, takeout). I was walking with my dog and tuned in to the feeling in my heart, and discovered it was loneliness. I am a singer and supplement this by temping and what not. I haven’t worked outside the house since early December, and everybody else is busy, and I have relationships that are changing and perhaps falling away now, at least in the way I experience them (yeah, I guess I should have said stillness and BIG transformation). I said Guides, I’m lonely. Find me the heart friends I’m supposed to have now. The people I’m supposed to be with now. I got home and gave the dog her cookie and heated up some leftover chinese food and as I ate noticed the fortune cookies from last night on the table, untouched. I grabbed one and opened it, and should mention that it was empty and I spent some time feeling around in my mouth in case I’d eaten the fortune with the first half of the cookie, before discovering the fortune on the floor between my feet. Crunching away I leaned down and picked it up. It said “You will soon be part of many gatherings and parties.” I did have to smile, and say thank you to the kind help and love that surrounds me.

So yesterday was tough, and the moon was just full as you know, and this means for me “release”. And what release means frequently is the surfacing of old emotions to be released. Unfortunately this is like just experiencing them all over again, and they may relate to nothing now. Alternatively or perhaps in addition, if you are practicing a new way of thinking and are overwriting old thoughts with new ones that better serve you, a full moon (and the few days before and after) are a time when the old thoughts and beliefs rise up to be released. So I believe fully in the principles of abundance and the law of Attraction and am integrating this reality into my life. Integration! SUCH such fun! What are the thoughts in this case that might be rising to go? One guess (if you can’t guess, keep reading).

This morning I woke up with a heavyness around me, physical, mental, and I couldn’t even perceive the spiritual, which was interesting, but I digress. I sat up and opened my window and aimed the sun right at my third eye. Right at my head to flush out old thoughts that might be hanging around in the ether. I filled my hands with sunlight and placed them on my heart, solar plexus, my knees, feet, ankles, hips. I used hematite wands and focused on grounding as I took in the sunlight and the solar light (do you know the difference?). And gotdang it if I didn’t start to feel better. I went downstairs and let the pup out and grabbed my water, which I took out on the deck (yes, subzero, or at least it feels like) to fill with more sunlight. I gave thanks to the water and the sun. I breathed nature in deeply. And when I headed back in I said “Ok Angels. Fine. I’m scared. (I did NOT want to write that, but couldn’t seem to proceed until I did.) I don’t have any money. I have bills to pay. You keep telling me I’ll have everything I need, that there is money coming into my life. Where is it? Where is the money? Cause I don’t have it. I don’t have it and I have bills. I don’t know how or why its coming but you say it’s coming so where is it?” Etc. Well, the fortune cookies caught my eye again. But not like “select a fortune cookie for a message”, it was more like, oh, fortune cookies. There they are, so maybe I’ll eat one. I grabbed one and opened it and popped a half into my mouth. I unfurled the fortune and read: “You have an important new business development shaping up.”

Yes I did have to laugh.

For me, in order to release those fears, I have to express them. It doesn’t work to just dump new thoughts on the old and forget them. I had to bring in the new, express the old, and now I can continue in faith. It’s ok for you to feel fear, even when you are choosing something else for your life (faith, abundance, etc.) You can express it and still achieve your goals. It’s a process, and suppression doesn’t aid this process, at least for me. I’m an expressive being. I’m all about expression and learning to express after a lifetime of suppression. I’m an artist for God’s sake. As I move forward honoring the light and the dark, life starts to look more like a dance. I have an image in my mind’s eye of myself dancing along my path, using all of the shapes my body can make, using space up high and low and my ribs and hips and making each movement exactly as I feel it, not trying to make it pretty or something that it’s not. Honoring my intention and fear and love and grace and stumbles and hesitation and knowingness and pausing for direction and running full speed ahead in joy. Honoring my innate wisdom, which is evidenced in all of this. I Am That I Am. I Am All That I Am. I am a creative being, and there is no “wrong.” There is only is. And that’s all for now.



My mojo…my mojo…my mojo’s on fire!

Re: the title of this post, what would the next line of this song be? Come on, some one of you must know. 🙂

And per this post right here, I got in! I’m very psyched. There are names I don’t recognize on the cast list, people that must have audtioned on the second night, which means there was more competition than just the first night.

Draw your own conclusions about my fabulousness.

The play is a murder mystery farce set in a mansion in the UK. It’s called But Why Bump Off Barnaby? Apparently Barnaby, who dies melodramatically in the first scene, is the only person present without a cent to his name. Yours truly will play a wealthy 80-year-old woman who can’t hear a thing and therefore has ridiculous conversations with everyone. I am SO excited about this. The universal or cosmic irony here is that my 90-year-old grandmother is exactly this person (give or take some wealth). Clearly I am to learn humor and patience.

Dry as my sense of humor is (and it can by positively arid), I found the script hilarious, and this is the part I was hoping to get, based on my limited experience of the script (said experience still totals maybe 8 minutes of quick scene-related perusal). Here’s hoping I don’t have any nude scenes.

The director took an extra two days to come up with a cast list. Ay, the waiting. And during this time I had perused other local auditons, and was particularly interested in, say, a musical or two. How cool would that be? I got excited about other potential opportunities, wondered if they’d conflict with this one….etc. And sometime during this 48 hours I realized that with all this extra perusal I hadn’t stated that I wanted this. I mean, I did want it when I left the audition, but then started looking at other opportunities online, etc. And therefore, I believe interrupted the flow of it all. So the last time I sat down to check my email, I committed. I thought to myself, well, what if there is a better opportunity that would be nixed if I took this?? (I’m such a pisces.) It has nothing to do with the play or the cast or the director or anything, it’s just a fear of commitment. Period. So I sat down that last time with that “what if” going through my head and said Wait. You know what? I want what’s for my highest good. Universe, I want this, or something better. And I clicked Check Mail, and there was a cast list waiting for me. Incidentally, did I mention that I got in?

This is an important lesson for me actually with regard to everything I want to create in my life. Especially with my music. Ultimately, I (pisces. In case you missed it) want to feel safe (wow that’s hard to write). You might be thinking, odd career choice then; have you thought about something in civil service? However I’m an ace marketer which comes in handy. Or would with a bit of focus. However, I do trip myself up by not being specific in just the way mentioned…wanting to try and do EVERYTHING! “What would I miss out on if I did this?? Gasp!” Ideally I would like to be working with a group of creative and talented musicians to make music and perform to loyal fans all over the world. To be completely fired up by the creative talent of the people working with me. To channel love through my voice that is received by and healing to all who listen.

I’ve always been appreciative of a great ensemble. Creative interplay adds so much to art. But I feel like I’m a solo artist, ultimately. At least that’s what I think I see. I’m open to the possibilities I haven’t thought of, and welcome being pleasantly surprised by the universe. Creation! Magnificent.



Creation and Frustration…On the Lam from the Knitting Police
January 11, 2007, 10:47 pm
Filed under: conscious co-creation, Crochet, knitting, Life, metaphysics, singer, vocalist

Well, I’ve taken pictures that I just don’t feel like loading for posting here. And I have to get over the idea that I need pictures to post. So there, I’m over it.

Not a day for crochet today. I’m making a tank with super-bulky yarn and the directions are a little funky. And I seamed 3 pieces together wrong and then redid them. By the time I redid them and had decided which way I was going to interpret the funky directions, I was disgusted with the whole thing and decided to put it away! Sheesh.

So I visited with my dog and then decided to pick up my Backyard Leaves scarf, which is advanced for me, and a fabulous too rich turquoise (so appropriate for the throat chakra) and for which I had knitted the 8 setup rows (and it took about 8 tries if I recall correctly. Probably not a day most people would recommend I pick it up again, what say?) At any rate, as I went along, there were maybe two areas where I wondered if I had corrected a flub or two…correctly. And I got to a point where I just said, you know what, this is MY scarf and MY merino wool and MY project. And as a wise new friend at a knitting group said last night, THERE ARE NO KNITTING POLICE!!

No matter how it looks it will keep my neck warm, and really I just want to be with the experience of knitting and being immersed in this intense healing color. Yes turquoise is healing. All colors are.

And finally, I’m not an uncreative chick. I will end up with something that I like no matter how I get there. I won’t end up with a tangled mess hanging from my throat. Sheesh. And maybe instead of Backyard Leaves I’ll end up with Front Yard Leaves or Park Leaves or some other leaves, which will, I’ll have you know, be just as good as any other leaves.

So I knitted 4 rows and left it at that. I’m planning to write out the chart for myself. I mean, a blank box is a K on RS and a P on WS and vice versa for a dot. How bout a blank box is a knit and a dot is a purl? Why get all stupid? *grumble*

I was just a bit on the edge today anyway. I did mile two of Runagogo with Daisy Dog by my side. And I got some singing in. Do we love our Nano? We DO. We have vocal warmups and vocal exercises and backup tracks loaded on and it’s a vocal studio in a…tiny little ipod box. I can also run tracks through my mixer from my ipod for recording or performing. This last tidbit is for you music types that might still be carting around a laptop. I’d love a live band, but this is BUTTAH in the meantime.

And it occurs to me that the only way I can truly dispel that jittery energy is through singing, whether finding a song that seems right, writing one, or just singing the energy, i.e. spirit singing.
This is because I am a singer. How do you equalize?



Moving Forward Fearlessly…and energy for singing
January 7, 2007, 10:04 pm
Filed under: Energy, Life, singer, Spirit, vocalist

It’s wonderful reading this, from Natasha the Artists Blog, as it’s a primary issue I’ve been facing/learning about lately. How fear keeps me from moving forward. Or how I let it do so. I mean, realistically, why not fixate on the possible positive wonderful outcome? This is after all part of how we can create said wonderful outcome. I have to talk myself through this sometimes and shift the prevailing fear energy into something I can use.

Another thing I’ve discovered, as a performer and spiritual chick, has helped me greatly: Part of the fear or nervousness we experience before performing is simply a building of energy, much like before working with spirit. It’s a building of the big energy that is required to do what we do, singing, acting, dancing, etc.

The first time this occurred to me, I was preparing to sing (thanks guides), and immediately the tension that had been building…didn’t dissipate really, but sort of evened out, and wasn’t so overwhelming. Said energy feels more like an ally when this happens. I remember thinking “Maybe this fear is just Big Energy.” And really, it’s more than what I’m accustomed to dealing with on a constant basis, but it’s what I use to connect with the audience and is what I transmit to them while singing. Which is, I think, why people go see other people perform in the first place. 🙂 What do you get from a singer or a dance troupe or live theatre? An energy that helps you tap into something in you that needs expression. Artists are pretty special I think, and I never looked at them that way before, as serving a purpose other than beauty if you will. As helping others express themselves.

But that is how my California friend Kimberly explained what happens when I sing (in front of an audience she meant), that it helps people tap into their emotions. Which was cool, because I’m relearning what it is that I do these days. And I’m relearning because in the past I only experienced it through a haze of fear, that I had learned to sing through. Ick. I missed most of the good stuff during, though I got the positive feedback later. But because I’d been focussed on the fear during the song, for example, the compliments after often seemed disconnected from my experience of actually singing. Comment if I need to explain this more clearly. Yeesh.

It was so bad that at one point I decided (just before a performance) never to do it again. But that’s a post for another day, and luckily for my spirit, it turns out we can’t escape what drives us.